Adultery: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage
Proverbs 5-7
By Paul Basden
[Dr. Paul Basden is the pastor of the Brookwood Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama.]
- Anatomy of an Affair
- The Prey
- The Hunter
- The Tactics
- The Kill
- Avoiding an Affair
- guard your heart.
- watch your step.
- consider the cost
- keep the home fires burning
Adultery has been much in the news recently.
Frank Gifford, of Monday Night Football fame, was accused of having a hotel-room fling with some woman other than his wife, Kathie Lee.
Marv Albert, another sports commentator, was accused of sexually assaulting a woman (again not his wife) in a hotel room. It looked like "Love Takes a Bite, Part Two."
Funny man Eddie Murphy was caught with a transsexual prostitute, which "inquiring minds" have yet to understand.
Air Force pilot Lieutenant Kelly Flinn had an affair with a civilian and found herself evicted for life from military service.
Army Sergeant Major Gene McKinney was tried on multiple charges of sexually assaulting female military personnel and having numerous affairs with these women soldiers.
Michael Kennedy was accused of having an affair with the underage babysitter of his children, further tarnishing whatever remained of the Kennedy image.
Truly we are living in an "adulterous generation."
I hate to start a Sunday morning this way, but the Seventh Commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," has not had as much press in this century as it has in the last few months.
What are we to make of it? Do these high-profile cases of extra-marital affairs represent a small minority of marriages? Or are they the norm? I guess that all depends on whom you ask. On the one hand, Dr. Joyce Brothers claims that adultery is on the rise.
Figures on adultery have risen: Two out of three married men today reportedly commit adultery at some time during their married lives, while only 50 percent did so in the 1940s….The number of women finding sex outside marriage (today) is about 50 percent. ("Why Wives Have Affairs," Parade Magazine, Feb 18, 1990, p. 4)
Sociologist-priest Andrew Greeley begs to differ. Basing his conclusions on a Gallup survey of 657 married couples in 1989-90 sponsored by Psychology Today, he claims that "ninety percent of American couples have had only one sexual partner since they were married." ("The Bad News Is Not So Bad," Christianity Today, March 9, 1992, pp. 42-43)
Whom do you believe? In a sense, it doesn`t really matter. Regardless of the statistics concerning adultery, as Christians we know that it is a grievous sin. It is a sin which God calls us to avoid. Best of all, it is a sin which God shows us how to avoid.
The Old Testament book of Proverbs contains numerous divine insights into marriage and family matters. Chapters 5-7 contain three extended passages on the evils of adultery. One of these forms the biblical basis of this message. This particular passage, 7:6-23, describes in sordid detail the Anatomy of an Affair
Anatomy of an Affair
The first five verses help set the stage. The chapter begins with the father teaching his son about the ways of godliness and wisdom: "My son, keep my words and store up my commands within you." (v. 1). Then he moves to a stern warning against adultery. Actually he warns his son about "the adulteress" (v. 5), literally "the loose woman" or "foreign woman." In today`s parlance. we call her "the other woman." She stands for any woman who takes her marital vows lightly and laughs at sexual morals. She may be a co-worker, a neighbor, a mistress, or a downright prostitute. Men, she represents any woman who is not your wife.
Scene One: The Prey
At the window of my house I looked out through the lattice.
I saw among the simple, I noticed among the young men, a youth who lacked judgment.
He was going down the street near her corner,
walking along in the direction of her house at twilight,
as the day was fading, as the dark of night set in. (vv. 6-9)
Here we see a father telling his son how he once observed a young man, just outside his window, being seduced by a loose woman. (By the way, don`t be offended by this caricature of a loose woman. And don`t jump to the erroneous conclusion that Christianity views females as more sinful than males. Because Proverbs is generally written by fathers to sons, the examples tend to be about women seducing men. But we all know that neither gender has a monopoly on this sin. Now back to the story.
The prey is a "simple" young man, "who lacked judgment." In other words, he received high marks in the "foolishness and naivete" department. But do not consider him morally innocent. He went to this woman`s house at night. As Warren Wiersbe writes, "He`s tempting himself and heading for trouble." (Be SkillJitl,, Victor Press, 1995, p. 56) There are no innocent adulterers.
As the wise marriage counselor knows, it always takes two to tangle. So.. .enter the hunter.
Scene Two: The Hunter
Then out came a woman to meet him,
dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent.
(She is loud and defiant, her feet never stay at home;
now in the street, now in the squares, at every corner she lurks.)
This woman sends a loud message without ever saying a word! Notice her dress: seductive! Notice her "loud and defiant" style! Notice her body language: "crafty" and "lurking!" This babe is definitely on the make.
What a picture of seduction. It reminds me of the riveting scene in John Grisham`s The Firm where a prostitute on the
Grand Cayman islands was paid by the law firm of Lambert and Berghini to seduce the main character, Mitch. The plan was to trick him into having an affair behind the back of his wife, Abbie, so that the firm could have something with which to blackmail him if he ever tried to leave and reveal their illegal ties to the Mafia. The prostitute was indeed a hunter, stalking Mitch until he was most vulnerable. Then when the time was right, he was an easy target.
The pattern almost always looks like this, doesn`t it? One person is on the prowl, and one person is waiting to be caught. Adultery always involves one hunter and one prey. How does the hunter do it?
Scene Three: The Tactics
The first tactic was physical contact: "She took hold of him and kissed him." (v. 13). Talk about a sudden kiss! Humans are not much more innovative today when it comes to seduction. Physical contact still ranks as the most common first tactic of the hunter. It may be an inappropriate touch on the knee, or a lingering handshake, or a prolonged hug. But whatever form it takes, the intent is seldom hidden for long.
The second tactic involved old-fashioned pick-up lines:
With a brazen face she said: "I have fellowship offerings at home;
today I fulfilled my vows.
So I came out to meet you; I looked for you and have found you!" (vv. 14-15)
To render those verses in modern English, simply paraphrase them as, "Have I got a great meal at home for you" and "I`ve been waiting for you all day long." Not very creative, granted, but neither are today`s favorite pick-up lines:
"My husband and I are really having problems. How is your marriage doing?"
"My wife doesn`t take care of herself any more. She`s gone to pot. Boy, you look great!
Where do you work out?"
"My husband takes me for granted; but you make me feel so special."
"I know we shouldn`t be talking like this, but, say, are you having a mid-life crisis, too?"
The third tactic was enticing promises:
"I have covered my bed with colorful linens from Egypt.
I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.
Come, let`s drink deep of love till morning;
let`s enjoy ourselves with love!" (vv. 16-18)
Here the "pleasures of sin" find expression in erotic language, designed to soften the prey for the kill. Lust has its own language.
The fourth tactic was a guarantee of secrecy:
"My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey.
He took his purse filled with money and will not be home till full moon." (vv. 19-20)
Nothing much has changed over the past few millennia. Adulterers still promise that "my husband is out of town" or "my wife will never suspect a thing-you know how trusting women are!"
Will the young simpleton in the story give in to this loose womans wily ways? Or will he have the courage and willpower to resist her come-ons and flee the temptation?
Scene Four: The Kill
With persuasive words she led him astray;
she seduced him with her smooth talk.
All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter,
like a deer stepping into a noose till an arrow pierces his liver,
like a bird darting in to a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life. (vv. 2 1-23)
Sadly, the prey is no match for the hunter. The simpleton gives in, without much of a fight. She wins easily. Like Martin Short`s character said in Father of the Bride, Part 2: "Piece of cake, piece of crumb cake!"
But few who give in to adultery think about its real cost. An extra-marital affair costs not just a car or a mink coat or new golf clubs-it costs your life!
For the lips of an adulteress drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil,
but in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave. (5:3-5)
When the hunter catches the prey, the end result is always death. Sometimes it is physical death. Sometimes it is marital death. But always it is spiritual death!
If this is the anatomy of an affair, how can we avoid such a thing happening to us?
Avoiding an Affair
Another passage, Proverbs 7:24-27, provides several warnings about how to resist the temptation to extra-marital affairs.
First, you must guard your heart.
Do not let your heart turn to her ways. (v. 25a)
In other words, catch wandering thoughts early on. Martin Luther reportedly quipped: "You can`t keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair!" If you are overtly tempted by someone other than your spouse, talk to a trusted confidant immediate ly. This might be a friend, your pastor, or even your spouse. But guard your heart. Don`t let it run away from you. Keep it on a short emotional leash.
Second watch your step.
[Do not] stray into her paths. (v. 25b)
Watching your step begins with being careful and wise about where and when you are alone without your husband or wife. The world is full of times and places that won`t help you keep your marriage vows: bars during Happy Hours, hotels during business trips, a deserted office after hours. So.. .watch where your feet go! Do whatever you need to keep them on the right path. Make adjustments in your personal life, whether it means changing the magazines you read, changing the television shows and movies you watch, changing the traffic routes you take, changing the friends you spend time with, or even changing the job you go to daily.
Third, consider the cost
Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng.
Her house is a highway to the grave,
leading down to the chambers of death. (vv.26-27)
Few decisions you make can ruin more aspects of your life more quickly than an affair. Tn every conceivable way, it ends up feeling like death: spiritual death, moral death, marital death, sometimes even physical death (consider the number of people who die every year from sexually transmitted diseases). While it is true that not all sins make you pay quickly, adultery presents the bill almost immediately.
Listen to a similar warning:
Can a man scoop fire into his lap
without his clothes being burn
without his feet being scorched?
So is he who sleeps with another man`s wife;
no one who touches her will go unpunished. (6:27-29)
The message is loud and clear: adultery is playing with fire! You will always get burned! As the Apostle Paul declared in Galatians 6:7, "A man reaps what he sows." (The same is true for a woman.)
Fourth, keep the home fires burning
Drink water from your own cistern,
running water from your own well.
May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. (5:15, 18)
To paraphrase the old Country-Western song, "Don`t look for love in all the wrong places!" Look for romance in your own home. Look for joy in the person who is your lawfully wedded husband or wife. Reserve sexual intimacy for your own spouse and for no one else.
I conclude with a hard-hitting dialogue between Dr. Laura (Schlesinger) and a man who called in to her radio talk show one day.
Bill.. .declared that he was bored in his marriage and was thinking of having an affair. The doctor was ready for him. "Do you think you`re the only one bored in the relationship?
I didn`t think about that."
"Is it likely that in spite of the boredom of living with you not being romantic, seductive, playful, etc., that [your wife] has broken her vows and dishonored your trust?"
"Then, although she`s stuck with you, she still has her honor?"
"Yes."
"And if you messed around on her, would she still have her honor?"
"Yes."
"And what would you have?" (Christian Century, May 14, 1997)
Since before the giving of the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai over three thousand years ago, adultery has been a grievous sin before God. Won`t you follow God`s teachings that will help you to avoid it?
We`re all prone to wander, Lord.
So save us, Lord, save us.
And deliver us from temptation for
thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory.
