Breakthrough
by Lawrence Brazier
We can only hope that our spiritual clean-up proceeds smoothly, bringing us into ever-closer intimacy with God, God’s purpose for us and God’s love. The immensely loving factor is that we are, at last, out of our own hands and in God’s. Of course, any kind of breakthrough, or real change, however hard we try – and woe to those who stop trying – cannot be brought about by works. Whatever you do instinctively, without thinking, is likely to be as close as you’ll get to personal reality, thus far. You then say “sorry” and keep going.
It should be stated that the unobserved self can be a blessing or – let’s face it, only God is good – that which leads to a really painful eye-opener.
What joy it was for this writer to ‘get it wrong’ but at the same time ‘get it right’ in respect to racism. My logical mind told me that the color of someone’s skin should be of no consequence, but I was never really sure if logic was enough to keep my wobbly inner world on track. I was on my toes, all right, and never made a conscious mistake. But I often wondered (myself being my own worst enemy) if I was perhaps trying too hard. Then God was kind.
An American magazine of some repute ran a story under the headline: “Universities Need More Professors of Color.” I misread and misunderstood, the message. I was, in fact, blessed with simple-mindedness. I automatically thought the article was about art—that more teachers dealing with color were needed. The penny quickly dropped, of course, but I did experience a curious feeling of relief. It was as if an age-old problem that had been gumming up my inner world had suddenly been resolved and I felt an enormous burden being lifted. I had read the word ‘color’ without any interfering connotation, no euphemism. I did not automatically think “race;” I simply imagined an artist with a palette full of paint. I wonder, now, if one could relate this occurrence to the Biblical admonition in Matthew 5:37, New King James Version: But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.
I wondered if being a bit of a dunce, as far as this world is concerned, was possibly useful. After all, it did seem to obviate “spin,” or what my American colleagues would call “hoopla.” I have to tell you, I was mighty pleased with myself. I was at long last color-blind, and that without even trying. No more would I feel obliged to say, “Some of my best friends are…Jews, Negros, Asians, women, even other writers (joke).” Mind you, I had already been through this on an earlier occasion.
When writing for a jazz magazine, I had unthinkingly used the word negro. The editor (himself a negro) shot back a message that he and his folk prefer the expression African-American or simply “black.”
Just as quickly I responded in an e-mail saying, “So what do I do with the word Caucasian?” He acceded, even adding that he got the point. I felt deeply wise (only kidding!) but very aware that I had been lucky to have had such an understanding editor.
Quite obviously we can’t simply stop thinking, but I found the notion of the “peace that passeth all understanding” immensely attractive. Moreover, I rather fancied tripping lightly through life, singing a happy tune like Danny Kay or Mary Poppins or…running across a meadow, pickin’ up lots of forget-me-nots. What it did mean, however, is that we are often talking nonsense in a futile attempt at avoiding reality.
The peace that passeth all understanding? I suppose I have reached a point of not wishing to understand anything. The reason why has become a nuisance. (Ah, the Tree.) Most things in this world are none of my business anyway. It would appear that to be in this world, but not of it would be entirely practical from a Christian viewpoint. As writer on religious matters, I could write a thousand words straight off on that theme.
It was the celebrated Jewish writer Isaac Bashevis Singer, who said that if you wish to become a loving person, keep practicing. This would imply getting your mind involved. But who cares? If it works, go for it! Nevertheless, I am now convinced that God will root out uncertainty and foolishness and give us the grace to experience God’s own brand of freedom—the freedom from self, from imagination and, above all, from a scheming mind.
There is no hoopla in the Gospels! Jesus addresses our personal needs, and that with an obviousness that is hard to ignore. His proclamations stun the mind. You can’t reason your way around them. Nevertheless, I have noticed that my mind switches into automatic, looking for a way out when confronted with an obvious truth that sets off my danger-to-self signal. It is at this point, I feel, that faith as a part of Christian living becomes so obvious. That little prod of panic needs either appeasement or surrender to grace. Appeasement doesn’t work for long, at least not for this writer.
I remember when my “still small voice” was gently urging me to clear up a matter that was wrecking my life. I resisted, afraid. The urging became more insistent. I pleaded: “I’ll do anything You ask, but not that.” God knew what that was. The urge persisted. I wrestled with God for hours, sweated and suffered. I finally cracked and surrendered. I really meant it! The pressure exploded and I was blessed with a pervasive stillness. Inside, I heard, “It’s all right Lawrence, you don’t need to do it. I just wanted you to be willing.” The crisis was over. The problem disappeared. I went through the rest of the day in deep peace.
It was then that I knew that first comes the peace that passeth all understanding, and then comes “the still small voice.” In that deep peace, that day, I realized that I should have no ambition to become a brain surgeon or a jet pilot unless God willed it. The Tree of Knowledge part of Genesis then became obvious. We can easily transcend with thought (up, up and away, read “imagination”) and figure we can shake the hand of God. Basically, though, God simply wants us to take out the garbage—our garbage, that is; nobody else’s.
I recently mentioned to my wife that I had reached a point of actually wanting to be wrong.
“How come?” my wife asked, carefully.
“If I am right about everything I see going on in the world, heaven help us. I really hope I’m wrong.”
“Don’t think about it,” she said. “Let us simply go on our way exercising our faith. Let us not be known by words alone. Especially not by words.”
“But I am a writer,” I protested.
“Sure you are darling. Just don’t let it go to your head.”
I wondered if she was really aware of what she had said.
Nevertheless, the Lord had just ushered in our spiritual phase two—being in the world, but not of it!
Lawrence Brazier was born in Oxford, England (U.S. style given). He is married and has five children and now lives in Austria. He is a German/English translator and a widely travelled and published journalist, mostly on religious affairs. Lawrence and his wife, Romana, translate voluntarily texts from the German for diverse Third World agencies. Published in Interreligious Insight, World Journal of Faiths, Crisis Magazine, The Fountain – plus many other publications to other themes – mostly humor/travel/politics. Published clips available in all categories.
