Core Values of a Christian Family
By Paul Basden
Pastor of Brookwood Baptist Church, Birmingham, Alabama
A high IQ is not needed to realize that families are the source of our greatest joys and our greatest sorrows. From the same people come the most satisfying and maddening experiences. Comedian Dennis Miller reminds us that it is our families who often stick with us through thick and thin. In Ranting Again, he writes: "Your family cuts you the most slack and gives you the most chances. When the quiz-show host says, `Name something you find in a refrigerator,` and you say, `A dictionary,` and the rest of America is screaming, `You moron!` at their TV sets, who`s clapping and saying, `Good answer! Good answer!` Your family, that`s who." The old saying is true: "There`s nothing like a good family when you`re really up a tree."
Yet families can also drive us crazy. Perhaps you`ve heard the true story of the woman who was speaking with her college-aged nephew one evening. "During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at Butler University in Indianapolis. `Oh great,` I said. `Now you`ll be analyzing everyone in the family.` `No, no,` he replied. `I don`t take abnormal psychology until next quarter.`"
Maybe Robert Frost was closest to the truth when he wrote, "Home is the place where, When you have to go there, They have to take you in." Clearly we have a love-hate relationship with our family. Most of us would prefer that it be a little more love-love. Is such a thing possible? Can our families be more like God intended them to be?
Two years ago a church member gave me former Georgia Governor Zell Miller`s book entitled Corps Values. I read it with interest and profit. Miller maintains that the Marine Corps instills a handful of crucial values in its recruits, values such as neatness, punctuality, persistence, respect, courage and loyalty. Believing that American society is cracking and crumbling at its very foundations, and convinced that the United States would be a better place if everyone adopted the twelve Marine Corps ideals, he proposes them as the core values for our country.
That got me thinking: many Christian families are not only noticing that our national society is in this sad shape; they are noticing that their very own families are beginning to crack and crumble as well. We are facing difficult challenges that are adding heavy stresses to today`s families. Are there core values that we as Christians can adopt for our families?
The answer is a resounding yes! Christian families are not clueless about God`s will for domestic life. God has shown us his intentions for the home. He has revealed in Holy Scripture several core values, which can guide us as we seek to build godly families. The sixth chapter of Deuteronomy points to three of those values. The first three verses set the stage.
These are the commands, decrees, and laws the Lord your God directed me to teach you to observe in the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess, so that you, your children and their children after them may fear the Lord your God as long as you live by keeping all his decrees and commands that I give you, and so that you may enjoy long life. Hear, O Israel, and be careful to obey so that it may go well with you and that you may increase greatly in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers, promised you. (Deut 6:1-3)
For forty years the people of Israel had been lost in the desert, wandering aimlessly due to disobedience to God. They were finally on the east banks of the River Jordan, waiting to enter the Promised Land and to settle it. But there was a problem: Canaan was a pagan, corrupt land, and the beliefs and practices of the Canaanites were far from what God had in mind for the Israelites. So Moses re-told the Israelites what God expected of them and what he expected them to teach their children. He was preparing these families to live in a pagan, godless culture, one that was not going to be family-friendly. If we are going to survive and thrive in our own Canaan, we need some guidance. Three core values can strengthen our families. The first core value is this:
Choose the Right Priority
Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. (Deut 6:49)
The shema (vs. 4) is arguably the most important passage in the Old Testament to both ancient and modern Jews. It served to remind the children of Israel that in the midst of a polytheistic culture, they were to proclaim the one true God. We Christians also believe in only one God, although we believe that this God exists as a tri-unity: Father, Son, and Spirit. We join all monotheistic religions in proclaiming an unambiguous message: there is only one God, not many.
What follows is a real surprise: the primary way we relate to this one true God is love-not fear or obedience, although both of these words are used earlier in the chapter. Certainly fearing God and obeying God are important ways of relating to God, but they are not the primary way. Jesus agreed when he identified the Great Commandment (Mt 22:37) with vs. 5: wholehearted, single-minded love for God. Both Old and New Testament name love as the ultimate way of knowing God.
In a sense, loving God is hard to explain. God is always unseen, usually unheard. How do creatures love their Creator? One way is simply to tell him that we love him, which is what praise and adoration seek to do. I am a little embarrassed to confess this, but I will anyway: for the first thirty-five years of my life, I seldom told God I loved him. It sounded too affected, too artificial, too cheap. I somehow missed the words of the psalmist: "I love you, O Lord, my strength." (Ps. 18:1) But as the years have passed, God has granted me the freedom to say, "I love you, Lord!" For me, it has been an important first step in learning to love the Lord more fully. This has changed the way I worship and the way I pray.
Another way to love God is to depend on him for our needs, which is the heart of prayer. We parents would be irritated at our children if they came into the house late one afternoon and tearfully exclaimed, "I know tonight is the night when you aren`t going to give me any more supper. I want to trust you as my parent, but I just can`t. This is the night I will starve to death." We would be offended; our righteous indignation would be justified. It is a slap in the face for children not to trust parents who are trustworthy. In the same way, we show our love to God when we trust him to care for us today as he always has done in the past. Just as we insult him when we act as if he were not trustworthy.
We also show our love to God when we apologize for our sins and disobedience; this sums up the meaning of confession. God does not want us to live under the burden of guilt. But he does want us to name our sins in his presence so we can find pardon. Just as one of the sweetest sounds in any home is the voice of one member apologizing to another, so one of God`s favorite sounds is the confession of one of his children. It is a sign of love.
Thanking God is yet another way to express our love to him. It is the essence of gratitude. We can all appreciate the prayer of the old deacon who said, "I`m living in the red, Lord."
And caring for others always tells God that we love him. Jesus takes it personally how we treat the lost and broken in the world. He said: "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." (Mt. 25:40)
Parents, your first responsibility is to love God as passionately as you can. Make this Priority One. "Walk the walk" for yourself.
Your second responsibility is to guide your children to do the same – "talk the talk" at home. Children need spiritual direction; it is not inborn. And you can no longer count on the outside support that you may have received as a child.
Schools no longer help as much as they once did. My two daughters cannot imagine that, when I was in fourth grade in Richmond, Virginia, my teacher read a passage from the Bible and then led us in the Lord`s Prayer every morning.
Government has relinquished its earlier stance of granting favored status to religion and churches. Those days are long gone.
The mass media has virtually abdicated its role as friend of the Judeo-Christian ethic. Few television shows today espouse the same social values that weekly staples like "Leave It To Beaver" or "Andy Griffith" or "Father Knows Best" used to do. The morality tales embedded in today`s prime time TV shows, such as "NYPD Blue," are quite different.
While churches help a lot (It really does take a church to raise a child!), it is we parents who have the ultimate, primary responsibility for training our kids to love the Lord. We must live it and teach it. We must "walk the walk and talk the talk." We must both "show and tell." We cannot choose one or the other.
Not only do children need spiritual direction, they also want spiritual direction. They know it`s a mad, mad, mad, mad world out there, and they want help finding their way. So if kids need it and they want it, then we must take the responsibility to talk to them about it. We can no longer say, "I`ll just live a good Christian life and take my children to church." That no longer suffices, if it ever did. We must tell our children about God, over and over again. Repetition is still the best teacher. Parents, let me ask you: how prominent is God in your home conversations? I am not referring to pious preaching, but to honest sharing. You value what you talk about. A Christian family knows that God is the right priority.
The second core value is:
Choose The Right Attitude
When the Lord your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you – a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant – then when you eat and are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the Lord, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. (Deut. 6:10-12)
The children of Israel were about to face a severe challenge upon entering Canaan, even harder than forty years in the desert. The challenge? Prosperity. They were going to inherit a land full of gifts waiting for them: cities already built, houses ready to be occupied, wells already dug, vineyards and olive groves planted and growing. These were gifts that would make the Israelites suddenly prosperous. No longer would they be a wandering tribe of poor Bedouin nomads. And God knew the pitfalls of prosperity for Israelite families.
If prosperity posed a danger to families back then, then prosperity is still dangerous for Christian families today. Since 1986, I have lived and served in two affluent communities. Each one is fast-paced, money-hungry, consumer-driven, and materialistic. What I have seen and what our family has battled testifies to the truth that a surplus of things threatens the integrity of Christian families. From personal experience, I have found that prosperity breeds certain diabolical traits, such as:
Pride – When I prosper, I begin to believe that "I am captain of my destiny, master of my fate. I deserve what I have. And I deserve even more!" It becomes terribly easy for prosperous families to forget that God put us where we are, and that gifts from heaven best explain our success. We have forgotten what the Apostle Paul wrote: "What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?" (1 Cor. 4:7).
Trust in Riches – Prosperity leads many of us to conclude falsely "money can solve all my problems." We forget that God owns it all and that we are merely stewards and managers of what he has entrusted to us.
Addiction to Amusement – In our culture, both the "haves" and the "have nots" find themselves addicted to amusement. Those who work hard and make huge salaries provide their families with plenty of opportunity to fill free time with recreation and entertainment. Ironically, those who are unemployed or underemployed are no different. They often waste the little money they have on amusement also. With so much free time devoted to "fun," it`s little wonder why our prayer lives seem so shallow and vapid.
Day-Timer Christianity – Prosperous people lead busy lives. We say, "I am a busy person. I have lots of obligations and duties in my life. Church is just one of them. I`ll get there when it`s convenient. I`ll be involved if I have the time." And we have forgotten that Christianity is more than showing up at church occasionally. It is a life-changing encounter with God, or it is nothing. Prosperity stands as a constant threat to Christian families. Winston Churchill nailed it when he said, "We are stripped bare by the curse of plenty."
How do we approach prosperity? If we really believe that "the love of money is the root of all sorts of evil" (1 Tim. 6:10), then we must be proactive in our response to things. Let me suggest two ways to handle prosperity. First, thanksgiving must dominate our hearts. I don`t mean the kind of patronizing attitude that Jesus condemned in the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector, where the proud Pharisee prayed, "God, I thank you that I am not like other men" (Lk. 18:11). I mean a quiet, humble gratitude for what God has entrusted to you. Parents, are you teaching your children to be thankful for what they have? If not, we will learn firsthand the bitter lesson Shakespeare wrote about: "How sharper than a serpent`s tooth is a thankless child."
Second, we need to exercise caution, remembering that Moses told the Israelites to "be careful" (vs.12). Parents, do you tell your children how dangerous riches are? Do you let them know that the dollar mark can become a poison warning? Do you warn them that "things" can keep them away from Jesus and the Kingdom of God? If your kids looked at your lifestyle, would they see someone who has a healthy fear of money?
If you consider yours a Christian family, what is your attitude toward prosperity? Arne Garborg summarizes it well: "It is said that for money you can have everything, but cannot. You can buy food, but not appetite; medicine but not health; knowledge but not wisdom; glitter, but not beauty; fun but not joy; acquaintance, but not friends; servants, but not faithfulness; leisure but not peace; sex but not love. You can have the husk of everything for money, but not the kernel." To be a truly Christian family, you must develop the right attitude toward prosperity: humble thanksgiving and healthy caution.
Finally, the third core value is:
Choose the Right Message
In the future, when your son asks you, "What is the meaning of the stipulations, decrees and laws the Lord our God has commanded you?" tell him: "We were slaves of Pharaoh in Egypt, but the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand. Before our eyes the Lord sent miraculous signs and wonders – great and terrible – upon Egypt and Pharaoh and his whole household. But he brought us out from there to bring us in and give us the land that he promised on oath to our forefathers. The Lord commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear the Lord our God, so that we might always prosper and be kept alive, as is the case today. And if we are careful to obey all this law before the Lord our God, as he has commanded us, that will be our righteousness." (Deut. 6:20-25)
Parents, if we have right priority ("One God, one love"), and if we have the right attitude (toward prosperity), then something wonderful will happen. Our children will ask about what we are doing and why we are doing it! They will ask:
"Why do we have to go to church every Sunday? Lee`s family gets to play every Sunday!"
"Why do we give money at church? Jennifer gets to keep all of her allowance."
"Why do we pray before meals? Sarah`s family never does that when I spend the night with her."
"Why do we read and believe the Bible? Almost none of my friends has a Bible on their kitchen table or by their bed."
"Why do we go to a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter on a holiday? All of my friends go out to eat."
At this point there are lots of answers you can give. You could say:
"We have to because God told us to."
"We ought to so that God will like us."
"We need to so that people will think we are good Christians."
But that is not how God told the Israelite parents to answer their children. He told them to tell the story of grace and salvation. Listen again to the divine instructions: "In the future, when your son asks you, `What is the meaning of the stipulations, decrees and laws the Lord our God has commanded you?` tell him: `We were slaves of Pharaoh in Egypt, but the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand. Before our eyes the Lord sent miraculous signs and wonders.`" Today we would say, "For it is by grace you have been saved" (Eph. 2:8). Today we would sing, "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me."
That is the right message for your children: Grace, not law! Grace, not fear! Grace, not duty! Grace, not performance! Parents, answer your children`s questions with the story of grace, the story of Jesus, the story of God`s love, and the story of your gratitude to the Lord. A Christian family knows the right message.
How then do we learn to live by these core values? Christian families do not happen accidentally. They do not appear by osmosis. It takes work…courage…prayer…obedience…and above all, it takes love.
Peggy Noonan, speechwriter for Ronald Reagan during his presidency, learned this lesson in an interesting way:
Such joy. It was spring of 1985, and President Reagan had just given Mother Teresa the Presidential Medal of Freedom in a Rose Garden ceremony. As she left, she walked down the corridor between the Oval Office and the West Wing drive, and there she was, turning my way. What a sight; a saint in a sari coming down the White House hall. As she came nearer, I could not help it. I bowed.
"Mother," I said, "I just want to touch your hand." She looked up at me – it may have been one of God`s subtle jokes that his exalted child spent her life looking up to everyone else – and said only two words. Later I would realize that they were the message of her mission. "Luff Gott." Love God. She pressed into my hand a poem she had written, as she glided away in a swoosh of habit.
Love God indeed! When it comes to family living, we too easily look for a complex solution. But the answer is far more simple: love God. If your children are driving you crazy, love God. If your teenagers are rebelling, love God. If you have newborn children or grandchildren and anxiously wonder what kind of world they are going to inherit, love God. As you learn to practice these core Christian values in your Canaan, remember God`s ultimate call on your life: love God!
