Dealing with Depression
By Hal Haralson, Austin, TX
Linda stuck her head in the door. "There`s a lawyer in the waiting room who wants to talk to you. He doesn`t have an appointment." She handed me his card and went back to the reception desk.
Andrew Wilson was with one of the largest law firms in Dallas (not his real name or location).
My "international" law practice took me as far as Bastrop, Elgin and Lampassas . . . never Dallas!
Attorneys don`t usually show up without an appointment. This was unusual.
I walked to the reception room and introduced myself to Wilson. He was about 40 years old, well dressed, with an appropriate lawyer-like appearance. He appeared to be nervous and upset.
We sat down in my office and he apologized for not having an appointment. "I`ve got to talk to you."
I asked if he would like coffee.
"Yes, please . . . black."
I buzzed Linda and asked her to bring us two cups of black coffee.
"What can I do for you, Mr. Wilson?"
"Call me Andrew please," he replied as he took out his wallet and removed a wrinkled piece of paper. He unfolded a newspaper article and handed it to me.
It was an Associated Press story that had appeared about five years ago. It told about my depression (at age 27), suicide attempt and three months in the San Antonio State Hospital, including 13 shock treatments.
The AP interview had taken place nearly 20 years after this experience. The reporter wrote about my six years in the business world, indicating that I had been an ordained minister for ten years prior to the attempted suicide. The diagnosis was "bipolar."
Six years later, at age 33, I entered law school at The University of Texas, graduating when I was 37. At that time I had practiced law in Austin, Texas for 20 years as a solo practitioner. I was a country lawyer (general practice) who happened to live in the city.
Andrew had a desperate look on his face. "I`m depressed and contemplating suicide. I`m scared. I didn`t know where to turn. I had kept this article for about five years. Can you help me?"
Andrew looked at the floor and hesitated. "I finished law school at the top of my class. I was editor of the law review and took a job with one of the top law firms in the state."
"I have everything I ever wanted. I am paid well, have a beautiful home in the right neighborhood, a beautiful wife and two small children. We belong to the right clubs and live an exciting life."
"I thought all was going well until my wife told me last week she is filing for divorce. She wants full custody of our children."
"I haven`t been able to sleep. I have lost all confidence in myself. I can`t concentrate. There`s no way I can continue to practice law like this. I`m constantly thinking of taking my life."
Andrew paused and regained his composure.
"Do you have any idea what brought this on?" I asked.
"I know what has caused this, I work nights, weekends, and holidays. The law firm required us young lawyers to produce sixty billable hours per week. I rationalized that I am doing this for my wife and children. They have the right house and luxury cars as a result of my commitment to this law firm."
"Sarah and I hardly see each other. I`m always exhausted and thinking about trials that are coming up. Sarah has had an affair with one of the lawyers in my office. It`s gone on for months. He`s going to divorce his wife and they plan to marry."
"I have failed as a husband and father. I will lose my job. It`s all over! I remembered reading this article about you. I have kept it five years. I guess I knew this might happen. Can you help me?"
My answer was based on reality. "Andrew, there is no way to stop your wife from getting a divorce if she is determined to do so. I`m more concerned about your depression at this point. You must get to a psychiatrist and have him put you on antidepressant medication. He will tell you if he feels you need to be hospitalized. The downward spiral of depression can get out of control if you don`t get help immediately. This could lead to suicide."
"I was on the staff of a University when I first became depressed. I had been a minister for ten years. I spent days in bed. I didn`t want to see anyone. When I went to the office, I checked in with my secretary and went to a broom closet on the third floor and spent the rest of the day."
"What would my friends say if I left the ministry? It would embarrass my family. I would have no way to support my wife and child."
These kinds of thoughts drove me to complete despair. I knew I needed help.
"Andrew, you have taken the first and most important step. You asked for help. There is help available. Let me suggest some things I learned from my experience."
"First, see a psychiatrist and get on medication that will help you deal with the depression.
Second, do not take yourself off the medication when the depression begins to get better. Do exactly what your doctor says.
Third, accept the reality of your circumstances. Do not try to resist your wife`s demand for divorce. You have no energy to fight an emotional battle. It would only make matters worse.
Fourth, be honest with your employer. If you can`t handle the kind of pressure you have described, don`t stay where you are.
Fifth, don`t give up. Call me and we will talk. I will come to you if I am needed. This will pass. Believe that. Life goes on.
Sixth, develop a support system. Talk to friends and family. Don`t keep this all inside. Faith in God and the support of your church family can make all the difference in the world. Pray! God does not intend this to be the end. Don`t give up!
The final suggestion: Exercise. Walk 30 minutes each day. Work out in a gym. This will enable you to restore confidence by knowing you are doing something good for yourself.
I am thankful to God for helping me. The steps I have suggested to you worked for me. That was 30 years ago. I`ve been on lithium for 25 years. I continue to see my psychiatrist.
My children are grown and doing well. I`ve practiced law for 25 years. I`m still in love with my wife, who has stood by me for over 40 years.
None of this would have happened if I had given up."
Andrew agreed to meet with me weekly for the next few months. His psychiatrist gave him what he needed medically and he accepted help from other sources.
The divorce was granted. I saw Andrew several times and watched as he began to face life and start over.
Five years later Andrew came by to see me. He had joined a small firm in another city. The pressure was much less.
He married a young widow with two small children and worked hard at being involved in the lives of his children from his first marriage.
Life has turned around for Andrew. I`m thankful for the psychiatrist who made it possible for my own life to continue and for the opportunity to use my experience to benefit Andrew and others.
