I Think We Need to See a Therapist
By Hal Haralson
[Hal Haralson practices law in Austin, Texas and is a regular contributor to Christian Ethics Today.]
We had been married about 30 years. Our youngest son, David, had just left for college and Judy uttered the words that struck fear in my heart.
"I think we need to see a therapist."
David and Judy had talked constantly…about anything and everything.
That was okay. That meant I didn`t have to say anything. That`s what I did most of the time unless a question was directed specifically to me.
Maybe that was her problem. David was gone and there is no one to talk to but me. Yep…that`s the problem.
"Who do you want to go to," I asked, knowing she had someone in mind before she brought it up. "His name is Tom Lowry; he`s a psychologist."
Okay. I`m ready. Make an appointment. What I was thinking was, "She`s got something bugging her. We`ll go two or three times; she`ll talk it out; and it will be over."
We saw Tom Lowry once a week. Eighteen months later, he said, "Okay, you two can make it without me."
During those 18 months, I learned more about myself and our relationship than I ever knew was possible.
Lowry wanted us to take the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory. That`s about 300 questions that you answer and they can tell if you are an introvert or extrovert or somewhere in-between.
I was pretty relaxed by now. Nothing to this.
The second session, Tom told us how we came out on the Myers-Briggs.
"Hal, you are an INFJ. That`s off the charts-Introvert."
"Introvert? I`ve been president of every organization I`ve been in since high school. You must be mistaken." Actually, I thought of introverts as slightly inferior and this threatened the daylights out of me.
Tom asked me what I did when I was really exhausted, when my batteries were down.
I go to the woods. I get away from people. Introvert!
Judy. She`s off the charts-Extrovert.
Lowry asked Judy what she wanted to do when she was exhausted. He wanted to know how she recharged her batteries. She wanted to go to a party. Be around people. Extrovert!
I had the feeling that this was going to get worse before it got better.
Over the months, we opened every closet door in the house. What we found amazed me. We are so different it is incredible!
Money. Judy`s a math major. She gets her bank statement (we had separate accounts at that time) and before the day was over, it balanced to a penny, or the bank heard about it the next day.
Me, I put the statement aside until the next statement was due to arrive. Then I checked the statement against my checkbook. If the difference was no more than $200, I changed my checkbook to match the bank`s record. This drove Judy up the wall.
We now have one bank account and Judy handles it. What a relief! We would have done this years ago but for my male ego that refused to admit she handled the money better than I did.
Being on time. When I tell someone I will be there at 7:00, I have given them my word. I consider it a lack of good faith to do otherwise.
This is of no concern to Judy. They can wait. They will be there when we get there.
I would tell her a 7:30 meeting was at 7:00 in order to make it on time. Nothing worked!
I finally relaxed and admitted that no one was all that concerned about this issue but me.
Lowry laughed as he pointed out the difference in the way we make decisions.
Judy is like an artist. She dabs a little paint here and a little paint there. She stands back and looks, then comes back the next day and starts the process over.
It makes no difference if this is a "big" decision. The process is what is important.
Hal, that`s me, the judge. Line up the evidence, make a decision, and get on with it.
Now I realize why she takes so long to make a decision that could have been made in five minutes. It`s the process. She honors the process. She blesses the process. Knowing that helps me to be more patient.
I`m a little embarrassed to tell you this one. Judy used to get angry at me because of my sweeping, picking up things, and putting things where they were supposed to be.
She is more comfortable if there`s some clutter around. So she`s allowed to "mess up" the corner where her computer is. As for the rest of the house, you can put anything down and come back five minutes later and it`s gone. It`s in the trash. I did it and I`m glad.
Judy`s computer is in one corner of the bedroom. She sends "E-Mail" and gets "E-Mail." She does the bills on the computer.
A young graduate student from the University of Texas once called and asked to interview me on the use of the computer in the law office. She was doing a paper in graduate school that would evaluate 100 law offices.
"Send me a copy of the paper," I said as she left my office. She did. "You`re on page 23" was written on the cover.
I turned to page 23 to read, "I met one attorney I consider to be totally computer illiterate. He had 3 stacks of files on his desk and he knew what he was to do that day. He said he had done it that way for 27 years and had never lost a file. More power to him!"
Judy uses her cell phone constantly making appointments, checking her messages, returning phone calls. This is done while I`m driving.
You couldn`t pay me enough to get me to have a phone in my pickup. It`s the one place no one can get hold of me. I`m not in that big of a hurry. Besides…in 29 years of law practice I`ve never had a phone call that couldn`t have waited until I got back to the office.
How have we survived all these differences?
It happened one Saturday morning. It was July and hot. I was down in the woods in front of our house cutting firewood. This is one of my favorite activities. I chew Levi Garrett (chewing tobacco) and spit over the chain saw. This is about as far away from law practice as I can get. I love it!
Then I started feeling guilty. Judy was up there in the house by herself. Saturday is our day to be together and here I am all alone…having fun.
I turned off my chain saw and went up to the house. I found Judy lying in a window seat, reading. Her favorite way to spend a Saturday morning.
I confessed my guilt. The pleasure of my solitude at her expense.
She laughed and told me she had thought that morning of how peaceful it was, lying on the window seat, in air conditioned comfort, with me working in the heat below. "I was about ready to leave and come to where you were because I felt guilty, enjoying my solitude so much!"
We embraced and laughed. Out of this experience came a gift from God…celebrate your differences. This has become the statement we have repeated through the years. The differences have brought life, rather than irritation to our marriage and after 43 years of marriage, it keeps getting better.
