Pastoral Ethics: Be Nice!

Pastoral Ethics: Be Nice!
By Philip D. Wise, Senior Pastor
Second Baptist Church, Lubbock, TX

Note: This speech was delivered on February 13, 2006, at the First Annual Conference of the CET Foundation on "How To Be A Good Minister," at Truett Seminary Baylor, Waco, TX.

In his book Prayers Plainly Spoken, Texas native Stanley Hauerwas explains in the preface that his father, a brick layer by trade, was the "designated pray-er" in his family. "At Thanksgivings, Christmases, Easters, wedding anniversaries and all other occasions when that large crew of five other uncles and their families would gather at my grandparents` house, at that moment just before we ate, my father would be asked to pray." Hauerwas was proud of his father because he was "the chosen one" in the family. His father "had the gift." However, Stanley became extremely uncomfortable with the i

Reading his book, which is composed of prayers offered by him at the beginning of his classes in Christian ethics at Duke Divinity School, is a refreshing exercise. I liked it because the prayers are "plainly spoken." I identify with Hauerwas` reluctance to do something that makes you appear better or more religious than you are. That expresses how I feel this afternoon talking to you about "Pastoral Ethics."

So let me begin with what Hauerwas calls some "plain talking." The fact that I accepted the invitation to speak on "Pastoral Ethics" does not mean that I consider myself an expert on the subject or that I am presenting myself or my own pastoral behavior and practices as a norm for others. I accepted the invitation because I believe that an emphasis on pastoral ethics may be the most widely ignored and the most badly needed emphasis in Christian churches and seminaries. It would be easy to document the mistakes, sins, and failures of ministers that I have known since I began preaching over forty years ago. It would be even easier to confess my own mistakes, sins, and failures.

Instead, what I would like to do is to offer some guidelines that I have found to be helpful in the practice of ministry. I`m convinced that the reason why so many ministers find themselves in some ethical maelstrom is because they have not fixed any parameters for their ministries and their personal lives. I`m not suggesting that the solution to ministerial misconduct is some form of legalistic rule-making.

I am suggesting that if you have no target, you can`t be sure where to aim.

The obvious place to start in developing appropriate parameters for ministerial conduct is with the example of Jesus. For most Christian ministers the reason they are in the ministry is because they have felt a call from God. That call is the call to follow Christ and to do so within the life and ministry of the Christian church. Of course some people go into the ministry for the wrong reasons—to help others, to be successful, to follow in their father`s or mother`s footsteps, because they are naturally religious, or because they think it would be nice to work in a Christian environment.

In my own experience, the one parameter which has kept me within the boundaries of Christian conduct has been my desire to be like Jesus. I find it very difficult to be dishonest, unkind, or unchristian when I am focused on Jesus Christ and what he would want me to do. As resistant as I am to pious pleading, I do honestly believe that most ministers who dishonor their calling do so because they have taken their eyes off Jesus Christ. I know for certain that when I have acted in ways that were less than Christian, that was always the reason. As a result, I keep two verses of scripture in my desk drawer so that I have to see them quite regularly. The first is John 1:43, "Finding Philip, he said to him, `Follow me`." The second is 2 Chronicles 20:12, "God, we do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you."

The second parameter that can keep ministers within the confines of ethical behavior is the desire to keep your integrity intact. Most folks assume that this is a simple matter for ministers. It isn`t. There are tremendous pressures on ministers to conform to society, the ethos of their community or the opinions of their parishioners. This pressure takes many forms. Most ministers want to be liked. Most ministers want to avoid controversy. Most ministers want to stay employed. As a result most ministers will compromise their own beliefs and values in order to "fit in" and not "rock the boat." When a minister gives in to these pressures, he or she becomes a shill for their

country, their community, or their church instead of being a representative of Jesus Christ. I agree with Martin Luther King, Jr., who said, "I still believe that standing up for the truth of God is the greatest thing in the world. This is the end of life. The end of life is not to be happy. The end of life is not to achieve pleasure and avoid pain. The end of life is to do the will of God, come what may."²

The one lesson that I endeavored to teach my children most diligently concerned personal integrity. What I told them over and over till they were tired of hearing it was, " o one can take your integrity from you. You have to give it away." Unfortunately, many ministers have done just that. They have sold the pearl of great price for a bowl of porridge. They may be popular, they may be successful, they may be helpful to others, but if they have not maintained their own integrity, they have betrayed their calling. I think Glenna Holloway captured the danger in her poem "Easy Grace."

We come to church today a bit unsure
Of what we can expect. We may
ndure
A tirade just to satisfy the lure
Of judging this new preacher and his views.
We`ve heard conflicting comments from the pews. How strict is he about the marriage vow?
What leeway in belief does he allow?
We`re in no mood for hell or tithing now.
His predecessors leaned on faith, not facts.
The congregation never could relax.
A minister must learn to understand
His role is just to raise a gracious hand
In formal blessing, not to reprimand.
Well, this one`s robe fits right, he looks devout. We`ll see what he thinks Sunday`s all about.
The anthem sounds angelic to the ear.
His prayer is brief enough to calm our fear.
With luck, he`ll stick to what we want to hear.³

A third parameter that should set the boundaries for any minister who wishes to act ethically is so basic that I`m embarrassed to mention it, but it is so important, and increasingly so rare, that I must. Ministers should be nice. By that I mean they should be kind, humble, and thoughtful. In short, they should apply the Golden Rule in their relationships with others. That doesn`t seem too much to ask of any Christian—especially one who claims to have been called into Christ`s service. And yet, Christian ministers can be some of the most selfish, self-centered, crass, prideful people in the world. It is no accident that ministers are rarely presented in a good light on television or in the movies.

How do you explain this kind of unchristlike behavior by ministers? For some, it seems to grow out of the privileged position that ministers enjoy. People make allowances for ministers because they respect their calling and want to honor people they consider "God`s servants." This leads to special treatment of ministers by others—discounts on merchandise, offers of free vacations and trips, special treatment by politicians and law enforcement officers, acceptance of bizarre behavior that would not be tolerated in others. It`s the same kind of treatment that athletes, entertainers, and politicians often enjoy. I believe that many ministers come to believe that this treatment is intended for them personally rather than offered to them because of their high calling. In other words, they begin to believe they deserve special treatment.

For others, it`s a matter of believing their own headlines. They`ve been successful in the ministry—their churches have grown, their sermons have been praised, they have been recognized by their peers, the media and by their parishioners. Instead of giving credit to God for their success, they begin to give the credit to themselves. I can`t tell you how rare it is to meet a widely known pastor who is genuinely humble.

My friend, Dr. Fisher Humphreys, who teaches theology at Beeson Divinity School, shared with me an experience he once had with Stanley Hauerwas. Here`s the way he recounts it:

In the early 1990s Bill Hull invited Stanley Hauerwas to speak at the annual workshop for Samford faculty held each August. Somehow I was asked to pick him up at the airport, and as we drove to campus he said something like this about his Methodist church: "God is nice—that`s all the theology we Methodists have. You be nice—that`s all the ethics we Methodists have." And I replied something like this: "Stanley, I`m a Southern Baptist, and nice would be progress for us .4

The temptation of hubris is enormous, but it is not the only temptation that a minister faces. Having given you my three guidelines for pastoral ethics –follow Christ, keep your integrity, be nice, I want to talk about some specific pastoral situations that I`ve faced in my ministry that have tested those guidelines.

When I was visiting in view of a call to my first pastorate in Selma, Alabama, I met with the deacons of the church. I didn`t realize then what I know now—they wanted to feel me out on touchy subjects. The touchiest in Selma, Alabama was race. One of the deacons said, "Now, preacher, you don`t need to worry about `colored people` coming to church. We have a committee that stays out on the porch before church to keep any troublemakers out."

What would you have said in response? It`s hard to imagine that kind of prejudice in our world, but it wasn`t unusual in 1978 in the Black Belt of Alabama. There weren`t a handful of Alabama Baptist churches that were integrated in 1978. I really wanted that church, but I knew that if I didn`t take a stand that day, I wouldn`t be able to say anything about race later. What I said was, "Gentlemen, if I come here anyone who comes here to worship will be welcome. If there are troublemakers in worship, I`ll take care of it. That`s my job." There was a long silence and then one of the deacons spoke up. He said, "Preacher, I think we can live with that." And that settled it. It didn`t settle their racial prejudices, it didn`t settle the inequities

that existed between whites and blacks, it didn`t settle the bitter feelings that some of each race felt towards the other race. What I learned that day was that every battle is not Armageddon, but some battles are worth fighting. My own advice, which I have not always followed, is to make sure that the cross you`re crucified on is a big one. For me, racism has always been a non-negotiable issue.

In my second church, in Montgomery, Alabama, I learned an important lesson from a deacon. He was a kind and generous man, soft-spoken and a serious Christian. I had been called by an African-American pastor about holding an inter-racial revival at our church. No white Baptist church in the association would agree to have the meeting on a Wednesday night. It was a problem because we would have to cancel all of our regular activities for this event, which we had not planned. I wasn`t sure I wanted to do it, so I called our deacon chair to discuss it. It would be controversial for some in our congregation and city. I explained the situation to the chairman, and yes, believe it or not, his name is Bubber. I`ll never forget what Bubber asked me. He said, "Philip, what`s the right thing to do?" It had never occurred to me to ask that question—at least not as the first question. We had the revival despite a phoned bomb threat that I received. Bubber`s question has remained a fixture in my own pastoral decision making.

In another church, I accepted a counseling appointment with a young woman I`d never met. When she came in for our session, she explained that she worked for one of our doctors. She had found some compromising photographs of the doctor on a get-a-way with another of his employees. He was an active member of the church with a wife and several children. Her dilemma was whether to continue working for this doctor whom she had revered as a fine Christian. I tried to give her good counsel. I hope I did, but she left me with an ethical concern. What should I do with this information? I hadn`t seen the photographs. Should I keep this man from leadership in the church? Should I confront him even
hough I had promised her I wouldn`t bring her into it? What I did was keep the man from becoming a deacon at the next election. I monitored his behavior. Interestingly, he became less involved in the church and leadership was no longer an issue. Sometimes, waiting is a good option.

My whole ministry has been lived out in the shadow of the Baptist denominational controversy. I had decided in college that I was not a fundamentalist, even though I had grown up in a fundamentalist environment. When the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) began to move in a fundamentalist direction, I knew that I had to resist. I spent a lot of time and energy helping organize the opposition to what is now called "the conservative resurgence" in the SBC. I saw unbelievably evil things done to good people in the name of Jesus Christ. Many non-fundamentalist pastors chose to stay out of the controversy. They saw the same things I was seeing but justified remaining neutral by saying, "If I get involved, it will split my church and hurt my ministry." Quite honestly, I was deeply disappointed in those fellow ministers. In my mind they had compromised their beliefs in order to make life easier for themselves.

In the Twenty-First Century it seems that every Christian denomination or association is undergoing controversy of one sort or another. Pastors in this new century will have to make decisions about what really matters, what they truly believe and whether those beliefs are worth sacrifice and conflict.

Frankly, I have suffered very little for being true to my beliefs. Although I opposed the fundamentalist movement in the SBC, I don`t believe I suffered spiritual damage as a result. The reason in part was that I refused to treat the fundamentalists the way they treated their opponents. One of the ministers on our church staff said to me after I had tried to explain the controversy to our congregation, "You`re too nice to them." I considered that a high compliment.

Many of my fundamentalist seminary classmates went on to take leadership roles in the new SBC. I decided to cast my lot with the fledgling Cooperative Baptist Fellowship, which was more in line with my own theology. As for those ministers who refused to become involved in the denominational controversy, the result was predictable. For the most part those ministers avoided the controversy in their churches and ministry. However, I`m convinced that their success was purchased at a price to their souls and their personal integrity. From my perspective, that was a price that was too high to pay.

When I had been at one church for less than six months, an employee came to me with an accusation about a sexual affair between one of the ministers and another employee. Several months before, the accuser had followed them to a hotel and observed their rendezvous. There was no other evidence to confirm his charges. He dropped this hot potato in my lap saying, "It`s up to you to deal with it." This situation was complicated by the fact that this minister had a popular following in the church and had an aggressive personality. What would you have done?

What I did was talk with a trusted older colleague. Unbelievably, he knew about the affair. I asked him if he would agree to meet with me and the minister. He agreed. We met at my house where I confronted the minister with the charge. He admitted to the indiscretion, but insisted that it was a one-time sin and that there was no ongoing relationship. He pleaded for forgiveness. He had an unblemished record in ministry and a fine family. What was I to do? Having prayed for guidance, I told him that he would have to leave the church, but I would give him time to do that gracefully. If there were any evidence of misbehavior in the interim, he would be publicly fired. After a few months, he found another position and left with dignity. Many in the church criticized me for "forcing him out." They had surmised that he left under pressure, but they didn`t know why. I never told them. I believe that I saved that man`s marriage and ministry. I hope I did the right thing. Sometimes you can`t be sure you did.

My predecessor was a popular pastor. He`d had a successful ministry everywhere he`d been. He left the church

I served under some unfair pressure by critics, but when he was called to another church those criticisms were soon forgotten. Because we were friends, I was surprised when he accepted invitations to return to my church to do weddings and funerals. He continued to visit many of my church members and regularly contacted others. It made it difficult for me to become the pastor of the church. To complicate matters, another former pastor lived in the town and expected to participate in most funerals, to be asked to preach in my absence, and to be consulted about church decisions. This was all new territory for me. To be honest, I was disappointed and even angered by the behavior of my predecessors. What would you have done?

What I did was determine to honor those predecessors no matter what. I refused to criticize them when I was encouraged to do so by others. I swallowed my pride and gave them the lead roll in funerals and special events. How did it turn out? With one of them, it went well. He was genuinely thankful for the treatment I gave him—especially when he was subsequently fired from his church. The other former pastor was constantly thanking me for the respect I showed to him, but he never blessed my ministry and played a large part in my leaving that church. There are no quid pro quo guarantees when you make the decision to treat people with respect, but I always knew that Bubber had it right when he asked, "What`s the right thing to do?"

I`ve made a list of other ethical issues that I`ve faced over the years. This list is not exhaustive, but it does give some indication of the challenges that every experienced pastor has faced. These include counseling with a sexual abuser, keeping the secrets of counselees, deciding how to deal with homosexual staff members and troublesome ministerial spouses, working in the seamy world of local politics, knowing what people contribute to the church while trying to treat everyone the same, receiving threats from large contributors if I didn`t do what they wanted, deciding what kind of car you should drive and where you

should live, protecting your children from mistreatment by church members and others, dealing with alcoholics and drug addicts and deciding about my own personal behavior. These issues caused me to lose a lot of sleep and hampered my ability to do other parts of my job. These kinds of issues can be debilitating.

Whenever I felt particularly stressed by such ethical dilemmas I survived by reminding myself of a truth that every young pastor should internalize, "If you die on Friday, they`ll still have church on Sunday."

These issues give you some idea of the moral challenges presented to ministers. I never knew when I was called to be a pastor as a teenager that I would have to deal with such issues. I thought my biggest challenges would be preaching sermons and helping people with their spiritual lives. I couldn`t have been more wrong. Some of the decisions that I made were difficult to make and cost me personally. I have been comforted through the years by two framed quotes that I have kept on the bookshelves in my offices. One is from Bill Clinton`s grandfather. It reads, "It never hurt a really good man to take a few unfair lick-ins." The other is attributed to the Seventeenth-Century English poet John Dryden, "I am wounded, but I am not slain. I shall lay me down and bleed awhile, then I will rise and fight again."

The seminarians here today will have challenges that I have never faced. You will have to make ethical decisions that will shape your life, the churches you serve and the lives of others. My word to you is a simple word: Follow Christ, keep your integrity, be nice.

1 Stanley Hauerwas, Prayers Plainly Spoken (Downers Grove: IVP, 1999), 11-14.
2 Martin Luther King, Jr., "Paul`s Letter to American Christians," a speech delivered on Nov. 4, 1956.
3 Glenna Holloway, "Easy Grace" in The Christian Century (July 5-12, 1995), 679.
4 E-mail from Dr. Fisher Humphreys, February 10, 2006.