Practical Ethics of Care Giving: A Joban Model
J. Randall O`Brien, Chair Department. of Religion,
Baylor University
The face of the young boy caught my attention. It seemed painfully out of place among the other pictures on the obituary page. His was the face of an angel, I thought. So peaceful. So innocent. So beautiful. Eleven years young. Gone. Beneath the haunting picture appeared tearful words wept "In Memoriam" from the family of the departed child:
Please don`t ask us if we`re over it yet. We`ll never be over it. Please don`t tell us he`s in a better place. He isn`t here with us. Please don`t say at least he isn`t suffering. I haven`t understood why he had to suffer at all. Please, please don`t tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child. Please don`t ask us if we feel better. Bereavement isn`t a condition that clears up. Please don`t tell us at least you had him for 11 years. What year would you choose for your child to die? Please don`t tell us God never gives us more than we can bear. Please just say you are sorry. Please just say you remember Ryan. Please just let us talk about him. Please mention Ryan`s name. Please just let us cry. Our hearts are broken. Our home is empty. Son, we love and miss you so much. Only God knows.
Love, Mom, Dad, Sister, and all your animals.
What is wrong with this "pastoral theology?" Absolutely nothing! Christian care giving is a delicate art, which may be learned. Equal parts of sensitivity and wisdom are required. By examining the Book of Job, as well as literature on stages of grief, and faith development, we discover invaluable guidance for pastoral care to hurting people.
Job is the story of every person. God had one Son without sin, but never one without suffering. Sooner or later we all suffer. How are we to think when a crisis strikes? Why do the innocent suffer? How are we to talk to God when we don`t have all the answers? What do we say to a friend devastated by tragedy?
Remember that Job suffers innocently. If we miss that truth, we miss the main plot of the book. Job is described by the LORD as "blameless." Job is God`s favorite. Yet, death, disease, and destruction visit his household. How will Job respond? Will his relationship to God be affected? If so, how?
Remember Job`s comforters: Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. They do some things right and many things wrong, incurring the wrath of God. We can learn from their example, good and bad.
Remember that the LORD speaks from the whirlwind at the close of the book. God`s speech in Job is Jehovah`s longest in the Bible. Ultimate lessons for living and ministering in times of crisis await us at the book`s end.
When bad things happen to good people inevitably some well-meaning caregiver asserts that, "we should not ask the LORD `why?`" Such counsel, however well-intended, is neither healthy nor biblically sound. Jeremiah asked, `Why?`; Habakkuk asked, `Why?` So did the Psalmist. Job asked `Why?` five times in one chapter alone. Even Jesus cried out from the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" These saints and our Savior did not question God due to a lack of an intimate relationship with their Father in heaven. On the contrary, it was precisely because they had such an intensely intimate relationship with God that each felt the freedom to express his true feelings. "Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers," Voltaire pleaded. It is okay to ask God hard questions during times of deep anguish.
Stages of Faith
James Fowler`s work in faith development (Stages of Faith) introduces six stages of faith in human development. Besides the first two, which pertain to infants and children and the last, which is exceedingly rare and characteristic of sainthood, three basic adult stages of faith remain. These are stages three, four, and five, representing, respectively, a conventional or non-questioning relational stance, a reflective or questioning phase, and a conjunctive approach. What this means is that a non-questioning period in life is common. In this phase we are obedient, devotional, and naive, with authority external to ourselves. One in this stage of life would neither challenge nor question God, nor appreciate others doing so. Job`s friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, Zophar (and later, Elihu), rested securely in this outlook.
On the other hand, the reflective stage of faith is a critical, examining, questioning phase of maturation. This relational posture is also quite natural, although not all reach it. Searching and doubting are characteristic of this season of life. Authority is internal. That is, one in this stage of faith is given to critical reflection, insisting on the right to think freely and boldly for one`s self, in a world that is no longer black and white, but rather quite complex. One in this developmental phase would feel the freedom to question God and extend the same permission to others. This is the dominant stage of faith for Job.
The conjunctive stage of faith represents a "joining together" of the first two stages. A wedding of "head and heart" materializes. One in this relational stage desires "to make sense of it all," even though she is quite alive to paradox, contradiction, and uncertainty. The drive to resubmit, "to come home," leads this person to make a life commitment amidst unresolved mysteries or complexities. Job comes to this point in the end.
We might think of the Prodigal Son as another example of one traveling through these three seasons of life. In the beginning he is devotional and adoring of his father. Then he goes his own way, intent upon being his own person, doing things his way, while learning for himself. Later, he comes home to his father, ready to resubmit. The younger boy`s journey correlates with Fowler`s stages of faith: non-questioning, questioning, return. Similarly, Piaget, in The Moral Judgment of the Child, argues that life`s journey winds through the following stages of development: (1) We play by the rules, (2) We make up our own rules, (3) We return to the rules.
Regardless how we label these differing relational approaches, Job moves through each successively. At the outset, in the first two chapters, he steadfastly refuses to question God exclaiming, "Naked I came from my mother`s womb and naked I shall return; the LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." However, beginning with chapter three, Job becomes angry, verbalizing his rage bitterly. "Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth." Repeatedly he demands answers from God. "Why did I not die at birth, come forth from the womb and expire?" Yet, in chapter 42 Job resubmits while confessing, "I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me . . . . I had heard of thee by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees thee . . . therefore I . . . repent in dust and ashes."
What Fowler`s research and the biblical text of Job teach us, among other things, is that it is natural to go through different stages of faith in times of deep grief and sustained periods of suffering. God created us that way. We may not wish to question God at all; on the other hand, we may want to scream out for answers. We may go through mood swings and variant relational periods, but such is the essence of being human. In time, hopefully we will renew our commitment to God even though we may not have all the answers we seek. In the meantime, why not think our thoughts and feel our feelings, even express our deepest doubts, since God gives us permission and since He knows our thoughts anyway?
Stages of Grief
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross`s work in the area of death and dying (On Death and Dying) merits mention here. Her research on the grieving process has identified five stages of grief: (1) Denial, (2) Anger, (3) Bargaining, (4) Depression, (5) Acceptance. These stages, she discovered, are normal responses to loss. Their presence is unmistakable in the life and words of Job. Initially, Job did not question God because, it could be argued, he was in shock or denial over the deaths of his ten children (followed by the loss of his empire and his health). Soon, however, his anger and depression surface in his harsh questioning of God, coupled with perhaps a few bargaining attempts. Finally, Job accepts his terrible fortune and becomes as C. S. Lewis might put it, a "rebel who lays down his arms."
Kubler-Ross and the Joban text show us that grief-work is not a singular emotional state. Rather one who suffers loss will experience a range of emotions. "Every one can master a grief but he that has it," Shakespeare observed in Much Ado About Nothing. It is therefore unrealistic to expect a sufferer to maintain any one particular emotional, spiritual, psychological, intellectual, theological, or relational response. The Christian caregiver should grant to the grieving person the grace to speak honestly to God and to others. The grace to express anger, doubt, fear, loneliness, unbelief, and betrayal is a therapeutic gift. Honest, intimate communication characterizes healthy relationships. Jesus cried, "My God, my God why have you forsaken me?" Does God ever forsake us? No. Do we sometimes feel forsaken? Yes. Is it okay to verbalize our harshest words? If it were not okay, could Jesus be considered sinless?
One of our most important lessons learned from Job, Fowler, and Kubler-Ross is that in natural human development and in serious grief-work, it is normal and acceptable to come to a time when hard questions are asked, when anger is expressed, when our deepest thoughts and emotions are allowed to surface. Those among us who are most in touch with our humanity and spirituality will embrace this grace and grant it to others.
Lessons for Living
What other lessons for living might be gleaned from the story of Job? First, we must never make the mistake of implying that if the faith of the one suffering were great enough, then the suffering would be removed by God. The LORD pronounced Job blameless, announcing, "there is none like him on the earth," yet Job suffered horribly. Paul prayed three times to be healed, but God replied, "My grace is sufficient for you." Facing the cross Jesus prayed, "Father if it be Thy will, let this cup pass from my lips." Yet, he went to the cross. Was the faith of Job, Paul, and Jesus deficient?
Second, unlike Job`s friends, we must never assume that one is guilty of some secret sin and therefore deserves the tragedy at hand. One of the lessons Job affords is that we do not always get what we deserve. Bad things do happen to good people. The tendency to blame the victim is an unconscious attempt to control God. "As long as I am good, God will provide me an asylum from evil. Since she is in this predicament, she must have done something to deserve it." The roll call of martyred prophets and apostles might have something to say about that sort of theology. Yet, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar all claimed that we reap what we sow: the righteous are rewarded, while sinners suffer. But is that always the case in this life? Jesus taught that our Father in heaven, "makes the sun rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust." The Christian caregiver should be less concerned about determining guilt, and more concerned about dispensing grace.
Third, loved ones who are hurting want our presence, not our preaching. As long as Job`s friends sat with him and said nothing they were wonderful comforters. What a beautiful example of tender pastoral care they provide at first:
Now when Job`s three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place. . . . They made an appointment together to come to console with him and comfort him. And when they saw him from afar, they did not recognize him; and they raised their voices and wept; and they rent their robes and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great. (Job 2:11-13)
Now that is the way to minister! Then, alas, the three friends open their mouths and trade grace for disgrace. Proclaims Eliphaz, "As I have seen, those who plow iniquity and sow trouble reap the same." Exclaims Bildad, "If your children have sinned against him (God), he has delivered them into the power of their transgression." Pronounces Zophar, "Know then that God exacts of you less than your guilt deserves." Woe is me! When Job needed salve, the friends gave sermons, and bad ones at that. Job needed grace; he got gobbledygook. Grace is always sufficient.
Fourth, God yearns for honest, open, intimate expression of our genuine thoughts, feelings, questions, and doubts; therefore, no person may stand between God and another human being to block such sacred, intimate conversation. Repeatedly Job poured out his heart to God, albeit in seemingly blasphemous words, and repeatedly his friends berated him for his "heresy." Yet the ability to talk to God outrageously may, in the end, lead us into true prayer. For the LORD roars to Eliphaz, "My wrath is kindled against you and your two friends; for you have not spoken of me (or "to me") what is right, as my servant Job has." The friends spoke well of God; Job raved shockingly to God. That is the difference between a religion and a relationship. Guess which the LORD prefers?
Fifth, Job is the only one growing in the book. The friends, who refuse to question or even to allow it, fail to understand that doubt may not be the antithesis of faith; it may be the cutting edge of faith. Job`s honest communication with God, however challenging, brings him into a deeper relationship with the LORD. He testifies, "I had heard of thee with the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees thee." Job grew. He never knew all of the story. None of us do. Thus the question becomes, "How are we going to talk about God and to God when we don`t know the whole story?" Apparently, honesty is still the best policy.
The friends, smugly uttering their plastic platitudes, canned cliches, and syrupy, superficial spiritual-speak, meet with severe reprimand from the LORD. Instead of the usual one bull or goat acceptable for unintentional sin, the miserable comforters are commanded by God to sacrifice fourteen animals, and then to ask Job to pray for them! "For I will accept his prayer not to deal with you according to your folly," the stunned friends hear God thunder. They have valued religion over relationships. Big mistake.
Sixth, when the LORD at last answers Job out of the whirlwind, the mystery of innocent suffering remains unexplained. "The riddles of God are more satisfying than the solutions of man," wrote Chesterton. In essence the LORD says, "My answer is there is no answer. Not in this life. The problem of innocent suffering is a mystery." What Churchill once said of Russia could be cited in this matter of innocent suffering-"It is a mystery, inside a riddle, wrapped up in an enigma." Questioning is permissible, but mystery prevails. At the end of the day, "the just shall live by faith."
Seventh, the LORD assures Job that He is far wiser than we are, that the universe plays out by intelligent design, and that God is in ultimate control of the world, including chaos and evil, which are limited and temporal. Furthermore, despite Job`s cynicism (articulated acidly centuries later by H. G. Wells: "Our God is an ever-absent help in time of need"), He (God) is, in fact, present not absent. He shows up. He speaks.
Conclusion
Countless other truths can be mined from the Book of Job. To do so and publish them in this context, however, would be to tempt the reader/caregiver to cite, even preach our catchy conclusions to the hurting, rather than minister to them through prayer, presence, and listening. In the end, Job never says, "I see it all." He says, "My eye sees thee." And that`s enough.
