{"id":4431,"date":"2010-12-27T10:00:00","date_gmt":"2010-12-27T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.christianethicstoday.com\/wp\/?p=4431"},"modified":"2022-02-12T14:15:37","modified_gmt":"2022-02-12T21:15:37","slug":"sunday-morning-suicide","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/christianethicstoday.com\/wp\/sunday-morning-suicide\/","title":{"rendered":"Sunday Morning Suicide"},"content":{"rendered":"

Sunday Morning Suicide
\n<\/strong>By Hal Haralson<\/p>\n

The sign over my door read "Director of Personnel and Public Relations." At age 27, this was my first job after ten years in the ministry.<\/p>\n

My secretary buzzed me and indicated that Don Anderson was on the phone. Don Anderson was a long-time friend who was pastor of Manor Baptist Church in San Antonio.<\/p>\n

"Hal, I`m going to be out of town on May 13 and I`d like you to preach for me."<\/p>\n

"Don, I left the ministry about a year ago and had my ordination revoked. I don`t do that anymore."<\/p>\n

"I`d still like to have you speak on Sunday morning. Why don`t you come on and do something."<\/p>\n

I reluctantly agreed and began to regret it as soon as I got off the phone.<\/p>\n

As the date approached, I was determined not to "preach." I had several sermons I could have preached standing on my head with no preparation involved, but I didn`t want to do that.<\/p>\n

I really wasn`t sure what I was going to do until the service was turned over to me on Sunday morning.<\/p>\n

I had felt more and more like it was time for me to open up and talk about my experience of leaving the ministry. That`s what I did.<\/p>\n

I told the people in the congregation about the struggle that was involved in the decision to leave the ministry. My fear of what others would say. My fear that I would be considered a failure. The long years of preparation for this vocation wasted.<\/p>\n

What would I do to make a living for my family? Judy had married me because she felt God calling her to be a minister`s wife. How would my decision affect her?<\/p>\n

For two years, I had wrestled with these questions. I had told no one of my dilemma. The worst dilemma of all was "God`s call" to preach. I was sure, at age 16, that was my call. I had heard that there is something special about this call. College and seminary preparation had reinforced that feeling. Could God`s call change?<\/p>\n

This struggle led to deep depression. The doctor told Judy, who was 6 months pregnant, to take our four-year old daughter and go home to Littlefield, Texas. She didn`t need to face Christmas with a depressed husband who lay in bed day after day.<\/p>\n

December 16, 1963. Monday morning. No one in the house but me.<\/p>\n

I turned on all the gas jets in the bedroom and went to bed. There was a fire and an explosion resulting in my commitment to the San Antonio State Hospital for three months. There were thirteen shock treatments.<\/p>\n

The turning point after the State Hospital came when Ed Bush, an Episcopal priest who was a member of the prayer group Judy and I were in, came to my house one day and said, "Hal, I have two things to say to you. One, be of good cheer. Two, everything is going to be all right."<\/p>\n

It was as if God said through Ed Bush, "I have been here all along."<\/p>\n

The decision was made. God could not want this for me.<\/p>\n

I left the hospital five days before Brad was born. I wrote the church at Loraine, Texas, where I had been ordained and asked them to revoke my ordination. They wrote back, "We don`t know<\/p>\n

what to do, we`ve never done that."<\/p>\n

My response, "You`re Baptist. Vote on it!"<\/p>\n

Back to San Antonio and the search for a job. After two months of rejections, Bobby Myers, my friend at Trinity Baptist Church, told Lloyd Flood, the Director of Montgomery Wards <\/p>\n

District Operation, about me.<\/p>\n

I was employed.<\/p>\n

As I spoke that day at Manor Baptist Church, I noticed a man on the third row to my right crying. He cried all the way through the service. He got up and left before I had an opportunity to speak to him.<\/p>\n

That afternoon, the phone rang and the voice on the other end of the line identified himself as "the man who cried during the service this morning. I`ve got to talk to you."<\/p>\n

We met at Earl Ables, a well-known restaurant in San Antonio, at 3:00 p.m.<\/p>\n

Over coffee, Eric Wilson (not his real name) spilled out his story.<\/p>\n

"I`ve been an ordained Baptist minister for 10 years. I have been overwhelmingly depressed for the last several months` and yesterday I went downtown and loosened a window on the 20th floor of a building, intending to commit suicide Sunday morning.<\/p>\n

"I told my wife I was going to the grocery store and left. As I drove toward the downtown building, I saw a sign that said, "Manor Baptist Church." Something inside me said I should go to the worship service.<\/p>\n

"I had no idea what I would hear. I had never seen this church before. My struggle over whether to leave the ministry had taken all the strength there was in me. Suicide seemed the only way out. I had been overwhelmed by guilt since I was a college student because of a one-time homosexual experience.<\/p>\n

"No one knew but me, my partner, and God. I prayed and struggled but felt no forgiveness. There was no response from God saying, "I understand; I know your pain; I am with you.<\/p>\n

"Then, this morning, as I listened to you, I was overwhelmed. It was as if God said to me, "I`ve been here all along."<\/p>\n

Eric and I met again at other times. I saw him over the years at various meetings. He became a Chaplain and retired last year, 30 years after his planned Sunday morning suicide.<\/p>\n

I was beginning to see that by sharing our experiences of life, our pain, our fears, and our victories, we voice God`s message to others. Painful and traumatic experiences that are our "valley of the shadow of death" become our gift to those who have been prepared in God`s providence, to listen. This becomes our ministry. <\/p>\n

Through sharing our experience of pain, God can say to someone, "I`ve been here all along."<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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