A Simple Prayer to the All-Powerful, All-Knowing and Beneficent God Who Really Must Love the Orioles
A Simple Prayer to the All-Powerful, All-Knowing and Beneficent God Who Really Must Love the Orioles
Dear God,
Could you please stop fixing sporting events? Seriously. Your unpredictability is killing me at the betting table. I can never figure out who you’re helping. One moment you’re-hooking up Steve Smith with the Panthers and the next it’s Kurt Warner for the Cards. How am I supposed to figure out which one you love the most, or which one prayed the hardest that you would help them “guide” the ball to just the right place, if you keep flip-flopping?
Could you be a little less fickle with your handouts? You are, after all, immutable. That means you are unchanging. It says so right there in the Bible, Malachi 3:6: “For I, the Lord, do not change.” Yet, when it comes to sports I am far more consistent than you. I have been an Orioles fan since 1981. Other than that time where you clearly graced us in ’83, do you know what misery us O’s fans have had to endure for decades?
What do you have against Baltimore? It’s no more pagan than any other city (though you do seem to be a little more generous to the Ravens—perhaps I should speak to the owner of the Orioles about requiring team prayer before each game?).
Anyways, do you think you could just pick a team and stay with them? No one likes a bandwagon fan. Actually, you’re not just a fan, but you, if the winners of Super Bowls, World Cups, and World Series are to be believed, actually rig the games (and I thought the Patriot’s coach was bad). I just thought I would ask. I assume, since you are so concerned about touchdowns, homeruns, and last-second shots, you wouldn’t mind.
Oh, another thing (sorry to be so needy): I know you are omnipotent, but it seems that you have been giving more attention to Sunday afternoon scores than to a few other things in the world. Granted, I know extremely affluent athletes who own multiple cars and houses are very important to you, but do you think you could do something about the ongoing genocide in Darfur? Tibet? Rwanda? Perhaps you could send out a little help to ease the tensions between your followers in Ireland or in Israel and Palestine? There is also this very serious AIDS epidemic occurring in Africa. That could be important.
I don’t know. Cancer is horrible! So is SIDS, diabetes, blindness, paralysis, global warming, and the near-extinction of Pandas, Blue Whales, Monk Seals, Red Wolves, and the Mantled Howler Monkey (come on, those creatures are awesome).
Perhaps (I’m feeling a bit like Abraham here), perhaps you could tone down the number of Tsunamis, earthquakes, and hurricanes you’ve been sending lately? While I’m asking, any chance you might convince your world leaders to stop making nuclear missiles? I know it’s a long-shot, but since all governments are ordained by you I thought it wouldn’t hurt to ask.
Also, I guess you know that almost every four seconds someone dies of starvation? Of course, you do. You’re omniscient.
One last thing: Maybe you could look into why more than 2 billion people live on something like $2 a day. More than 500 million people in South Asia live (if you can call it that) on less than $1 a day.
I mean, I hear all the time how you are obviously blessing the people in North America with a surplus of goods, so I know that means we’re doing something right. I can’t even count the number of God Bless America bumper stickers on the back of your average Lincoln, Lexus, and Mercedes. In a world where less than 10% of the total population actually own a car, many of us are so blessed as to be able to own numerous vehicles! How ungrateful are those that don’t praise your name?
But what did all those others do that was so bad? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not questioning your justice; I’m sure their prayers for food and the basic necessities of life deserve to go unanswered. If I learned anything from the book of Job it is to tread quietly and not ask too many questions. But since you seem overtly concerned with who wears Super Bowl rings, and Jesus did (after all) say “whatever we ask for,” you will provide!
Well—could you please make sure the Orioles get a better pitching staff next year? That would be my prayer. Just guide the pitcher’s ball straight and true across the outside corner of the plate, oh lord. Straight and true!
Sincerely, A Distraught Fan.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
