Does This Still Happen?

            Peace and Safety in the Christian Home[1] gets many appeals for help, but one was unusual. Could we find a safe house for a woman who was suffering from severe depression triggered by intense abuse from her church? The population of her tiny New England town refused to speak to her (except to condemn her) for having sought a divorce from her adulterous and abusive husband. I will call the woman Rosemary (not her real name).

            Over the twenty-three years of her marriage, the police had paid scores of visits to her home, always bringing at least two cruisers to control the violence, sometimes using mace and clubs to subdue the offender. After committing repeated assaults, her husband was adjudicated a “felon for life”. This classification meant he was no longer permitted to vote, to possess firearms, or to leave the country.

            However, the pastor of her church continually badgered her to reconcile with her husband, and she was publicly condemned by the church leadership as having adopted action that was “unbiblical”. Ostensibly the husband had been “converted,” but his behavior did not change. None of his misconduct could be considered grounds for divorce because, the pastor said, all was now “under the blood.” This “conversion” did not prevent the abusive blows from continuing to fall, nor the marriage vows from being violated.

            After her action, a lay leader from a neighboring church struck up a friendship with her, only to be warned that he must forfeit his position as an officer in the congregation if he continued to associate with her. Able to bear no more of the recriminations, and being at the point of suicide, she sought a church meeting to lay out the circumstances of her action. The church council simply refused to look at the thick pile of police reports, the court documents, or a physician’s report of the permanent disability resulting from the repeated injuries that she had sustained.

            Nor would the council heed poignant letters written by the victim’s sister and her twenty-year-old daughter. The church council sat stony-faced as the daughter read a poignant declaration that declared in part:

            “You have heard only one side of the story and you have based your opinions and your advice on that. Well here is my side of the story.

            “There are worse things than divorce—being beaten and having your children around to watch it, for one. You did not live my life. You did not grow up in my home—in the abuse, the mess, the disappointment, the brokenness, that I did. Do not sit there and tell me that God frowns upon divorce. . . that it is not godly for a man to leave his wife.

            “It is not godly for a man to beat his wife either, or to walk into church the next morning acting as though it never happened. If you think that my parents are better off sticking together and fighting through this, I am sorry, but you are ignorant and wrongly mistaken. No more!

            “For years, my mom has tried to make it work. But these last attacks have left her out of work and unable to support herself aside from the unemployment compensation she can receive from the state.

            “And nothing personal against the church, but I just think they’re all a bunch of hypocrites there . . . to call yourselves Christians but yet turn right around and condemn and judge my mother for her decision to once and for all get herself out of the situation and get a divorce. The Bible says you have to take the stick out of your own eye before condemning that in others. Only God can judge us, so I find it funny that the Church seems so set on running my mom down and sticking their noses in her business to other churches. She is trying to heal and move on with her life, and I would greatly appreciate you letting her do so.”[2]

            A sympathetic neighboring pastor who had attended the unfortunate church session wrote in protest:

            “Our concern to preserve the bonds of marriage and to discourage divorce does not mean that we should force the issue, when there are biblical grounds for divorce and any reconciliation could amount to a death sentence. I believe that you mean well, but I can’t tell you how disappointed I am at the way that this has been handled. It all seems to play into the typical media caricature of evangelicals. None of you were willing to speak to those who witnessed what took place over the course of the marriage.”[3]

            Overcrowded shelters told Rosemary that they did not have enough space for victims fleeing abusive partners and could not accommodate a victim of church abuse. And so it was that we invited her to stay with us for a while so that she could be among Christians who would love and support her.

            My strongest image is of her sitting on the back porch steps, devouring a Bible study about God’s love and support of the abused and oppressed. These were indeed words of life, and ones that she was anxious to read and share. In her eagerness to develop new patterns, she even assisted at a booth for abused women at the local county fair. She joyfully attended a missions night at the local Baptist church, and there she met others who had experienced similar trauma.

            Because both of the churches in her own community who had been so cruel and judgmental were Southern Baptist congregations, I put in a call to the office of Christian Ethics Today. The kind editor gave Rosemary at least half an hour of his time assuring her that there were other voices within the Southern Baptist fold who understood and supported her. This was followed with contact information for a northern New England Baptist church (CBF).

            Incredibly, the sequel is that Rosemary has now formed a team and is planning a conference on Christian approaches to domestic abuse. As she seeks her own healing, it may well come as God uses her to bring healing to other abused women.