New Millennium Families

New Millennium Families
By Michael C Blackweli

[Dr. Michael C. Blackwell is President of the Baptist Children`s Homes of North Carolina, Inc.]

A friend of mine defines a family as "a group whose ??? mem..V1. hers are irrationally crazy about each other."

Call me irrational, but I`m crazy about families.

To negative folks, the new millennium looms as a big dark cloud, portending evil. To those with a positive outlook, however, it lights a dark night and promises intrigue, challenge, and opportunity unlimited.

This new age won`t be an easy time to raise a family; but then, I`m not sure there ever was an easy time. Adam and Eve had trouble with their boys. Earlier generations-especially those before 1910-suffered the agonies of having many babies` lives snuffed out by epidemics. My parents didn`t think it was easy raising me in the textile town of Gastonia, N.C. My wife and I struggled raising children in parsonages, in the glass houses of pastorates and public professions. Each generation faces challenges and struggles to learn together to overcome them.

We can hardly fathom the difference in human existence in the broad but brief span between the end of the first millennium, and the end of the second. It`s just one millennium. Ten short centuries. But think of this.

Just one millennium ago, the now extinct Incas were developing a culture that built an incredible empire which they ruled from Peru. Leif Erickson landed on the shores of North America with a band of Vikings; a newly invented rigid collar gave horses four times the traction they previously had and thereby improved the lives of subsistence farmers everywhere. In the Americas, the native peoples domesticated corn and made the first chocolate drinks. During the first few centuries of this millennium the Black Plague killed one European in four; and then the survivors beat back Arab invaders from the south, and fought Mongol hordes from the east. From the beginning of the millennium to its last hours, savage wars ravaged the populated continents.

Sure, life was hard a thousand years ago. But even in America just one century past, children openly sewed clothes in textile sweatshops. A century ago, coal-burning stoves fouled the air and horse traffic clogged the streets. Women couldn`t vote. Water fountains were segregated, and public education was pitifully inadequate.

There were no telephones, airplanes, automobiles, computers, or satellites. We didn`t have strawberries all year or CNN all day. There were no Social Security or disability payments for those no old or injured to work. And two catastrophic world wars, separated by the worldwide Great Depression, were still to come.

Do you suppose the grandparents of that era also told their children, "I`m glad I`m not starting a family at a time like this!"

Also remember: In 1900 AIDS was unknown; few smoked tobacco; 50,000 fewer people died in highway accidents every year; our inner cities throbbed with new vitality and fresh hope. There were no gasoline shortages or electrical power outages; no Y2K fears; no suicidal bombers blowing up markets in Europe and schools in America.

So while "Family" is being assaulted at every turn today, I hold to a robust hope for families. "Family " will survive. This conviction is born not only of faith but also of facts, facts which support the hope.

The 1900 definition of family may not be the definition families of the 21st century will use most frequently. In fact, the definition of the distant future may be closer to that of the distant past-if families of the year 1000 even thought to define themselves.

"Family" is God-ordained and self-defining. Given enough latitude, of course, anyone can define family. However, I like Christian author Gary Smalley`s definition of a healthy family which he says has six consistent elements:

Members exhibit a high degree of appreciation for each other.
They spend considerable time together.
There is open communication among members.
They share a strong sense of mutual commitment.
Their common life is marked by a high degree of spiritual orientation. And
They are able to deal with crisis in a positive, constructive manner.
Especially note numbers 2 and 3-time together and communication. They are interrelated, and if your family members are going to be something more than boarders in a shared building, you have to make time and communication a priority. If parents deprive each other and their children of face-to-face time so that they can work night and day to provide "things," they may find no one there when they have "arrived."

Family therapy textbooks recognize these elements in any unit defined as a "family:"

Rules
Roles
Boundaries
Distribution of power
Communication, in some form, among members.
It is virtually impossible to arrive at a definition of family that is universally accepted. In our Christian context, family includes a caring adult or adults who strive to raise children in a safe, wholesome environment in which they can thrive and come to know the God who created them and who loves them. Of course you can have a family unit with two adults, who are neither parents nor intend to become parents. This contributes to the difficulty of defining family. Twenty-first century social scientists will struggle with definitions of family that don`t necessarily include more than one adult, or whose members are of a single generation.

In America, "family" enjoys certain legal and tax benefits. Is the day upon us when anyone can claim himself/herself or a friendship group as a "family" and thus qualify for insurance and tax considerations, or claim discrimination if they are denied?

In my present position of Christian ministry to families, we`ve had to expand our definition of "family" beyond the immediate circle of parents and children, to include relatives at any distance who are involved in the lives of the children we serve. An uncle in Baltimore may be more "family" than is a local dad who refuses to be involved with his child.

However you define it, "family" is society`s basic building block.

The media depict very few whole, healthy families in the sense that tradition defines them-loving married male and female parents in a home, caring for each other and mutually nurturing their children in a family relationship characterized by commitment and sacrifice.

When such families are portrayed, they often are the objects of ridicule or disdain. Plainly, healthy families have disappeared as an entertainment concept, but they are only out of vogue in the minds of media executives who seem to think that the only things that sell are sex and violence. Heartwarming stories of family life-particularly those showing families overcoming challenges-seem never to fail to find wide acceptance.

It is the powerful pull of family members toward each other that keeps our society from simply flying off the face of the earth under the centrifugal forces of a culture spinning out of control.

With all the negatives, is there still hope for families? Yes! I`m genuinely enthusiastic about new millennium families. I believe they can soar above the coming flood of change. Here are a few reasons for my optimism.

The Family is God`s creation. Who would give up hope in something God has created? That`s why those who serve God through specialized ministries to children see every child not as a problem child, but as a child with problems. We don`t abandon hope. Each child, and each family, was intentionally formed by a loving and just God and is a part of God`s plan.
God created man and woman, and joined them together, for fellowship and for family.
God is still in control. Although evil abounds in the world and the world is clearly in bad shape, the Bible teaches us that God is in control. The sun rising this morning told me the same thing, as did children waiting at the bus stop, the dogwoods blooming in season, and my dog licking my hand. There is order in the world. While bad things will always happen, God`s natural order moves time and space in a consistent pattern. Love begets love; justice issues in justice; smiles multiply; consistency in child rearing is rewarded; hugs melt defiance; tomorrow will come. As we crest the new millennium, the measuring rod of all history remains the same. God is still in control.
There are family units modeling healthy families and children are paying attention. Look around. Someone you know is holding to a standard that promises positive results. Kids on the honor roll are volunteering at the hospital, studying in the library, sacrificing summers in volunteer missions, and working hard at home, school, and church. Parents are diligent in their duties, delaying selfish goals, leading young people as volunteers in school, in church, and in neighborhoods. Someone is modeling and encouraging that behavior. This tells us that the standards and values are not lost. Support young families in their efforts. If your family is solid, mentor a young couple just starting out. Have them in your home. Take them an unexpected present. Help that family anticipate the rough spots and be there for them to steady their boat.
The very flux and turmoil of the American family in this transitional epoch provides opportunity for the next great step forward as adults react to the disorder around them by making the creation of a healthy family a priority. Life and its elements undergo swings to the extremes. Since the American family seems near the peak of the negative extreme, the pendulum should soon begin swinging the other way. Who would have thought the longhaired tie-dyed shirt and bell-bottom-jeans-wearing protesters of the 1 960s would become conservative businesspeople driving a booming new millennium economy? Who would have thought their children would be more conservative than their parents?
The Church hasn`t given up. Churches are striving to provide positive answers to the question, "What can be done for our children?" without succumbing to the notion that church is just for children. Many parents seek a "positive socialization and values education" for their children. The best answer lies in their response to the question, "What can the church do to help parents enjoy a close, personal, meaningful relationship with God?" Churches are ideally pro-family. Clergy know that the most positive way to support the family is to provide each member with a nurturing circle of spiritual friends who can encourage, challenge, and support their common journey toward God and the doing of his will. The church is now more accepting of "flawed" families than in the past, making it more willing and more able to minister to hurting families. Not long ago, divorced persons often felt cast out from the church. Today churches are taking the lead in divorce recovery, single parent classes, day care, job-networking groups, physical fitness to go with spiritual fitness, marriage retreats, couple times, and classes to help adults gain parenting skills.

Because the church has the answer to all questions of ultimate significance in the person of Jesus Christ, it is sometime slow to respond to new questions. But family issues light up the night sky like the "rocket`s red glare." When "dawn`s early light" breaks, the faithful church will seek to be equipped and found standing by the shore, ready to carry on in redemptive witness and ministry.
Family support organizations exist to help. Dozens of family help organizations exist to help and preserve families.
Child care agencies across the land have expanded services to families. They consider themselves to be "child centered, family focused."

Children come into their care because issues of abuse, neglect, abandonment, rebellion, death, and broken marriages have forced the family to separate. While child care workers in the cottages help the children work through their issues and deal with their part of the problem, social workers deal with other members of the family to help them resolve the issue for which they have special responsibility.

When the children in their care meet their goals, they are able to return to a family that has become healthier than when the children left it. Other organizations the world over are working to help families succeed.

Four basic assumptions stand out:

People want to change for the better.
Other people can help people change.
As an individual, "I" can help people change.
Jesus Christ is the source of all positive change.
Can we see ourselves in this picture? As fewer people throw up their hands over the way things are, and more people roll up their sleeves to change the way things are, we can become more encouraged about the future of families.

A family is an organism, a living, breathing entity with a life to preserve, a future to secure, a destiny to claim. God is in control. The believer`s hopes, dreams, and convictions are positive.

New Millennium Families under God`s leadership can soar above the swelling flood of change.

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