Tamar and Her Modern Sisters
Tamar and Her Modern Sisters
By Robert Prince
[Dr. Robert Prince is pastor of the First Baptist Church of Vernon, Texas where he recently preached this sermon.]
We don`t want to talk about it, especially in church. Yet it happens every day. It has left millions of girls and women with deep emotional and spiritual scars.
Good statistics on this subject are hard to find, but various studies indicate that around 16% of all women report that a relative sexually abused them before their sixteenth birthday. About 34% of all women report that when they were children an adult sexually abused them. Furthermore, one in six women reports being raped at some point in their lives.
Though we shrink from considering the horror of sexual abuse, the Bible does not. In 2 Samuel 13:1-22 we find a graphic account of an incestuous rape and its terrible aftermath.
I. The Sorrow of Tamar and Her Modern Sisters
A sad drama unfolds in 2 Samuel 13. Its characters are David, king of Israel; Amnon, King David`s son through his wife Ahinoarn; Absalom, David`s son through his wife Maacah; Tamar, David`s daughter through his wife Maacah; and Jonadab, Amnon`s friend.
The narrative says that Amnon fell in love with Tamar, his beautiful half-sister. Amnon was a young man, probably in his twenties, while Tamar was a very young woman, perhaps only in her early teens.
The biblical account seems to use the word "love" loosely. Amnon`s feelings for Tamar weren`t healthy or normal. They were a sick lust. Because he couldn`t have her, he became frustrated to the point of illness. She was beyond his reach because she was an unmarried virgin, and his half-sister. The account suggests that marriage may have been a possibility for them, though the law prohibited such unions. But marriage wasn`t on his mind.
Amnon`s friends began to notice his pale, disheveled look. One of them, named Jonadab, asked Amnon, "Why do you, the king`s son, look so haggard morning after morning? Won`t you tell me?" Amnon answered by proclaiming his lustful feelings for Tamar. Jonadab was sympathetic to his friend, and together they hatched a plan to get Tamar into Amnon`s bedroom.
Amnon went to bed and pretended to be gravely ill. King David became worried about him, and went to check on his condition. When the king arrived, Amnon spoke in the weakest and most pathetic voice he could muster. He said that it would make him feel better if his sister Tamar would come, bake some of his favorite bread in his sight, and feed it to him.
David had no reason to be suspicious of this request. So he told Tamar to go to her brother and do as he asked.
Tamar arrived in Amnon`s quarters dressed in a beautiful, richly ornamented robe. It was the customary clothing of the king`s virgin daughters. Amnon played his part well, as he reclined in his bedroom, and watched Tamar through the door as she went to work. He saw her carefully knead dough, make bread, and bake it. All the while, he longed for her innocent beauty.
When the bread was done, Tamar took the pan of bread to Amnon and tried to serve him. But he refused to eat.
Amnon then said, "Send everyone out of here." Everyone left except Tamar. After that, Amnon called to her, saying, "Bring the food in here to my bedroom, so that I may eat it from your hand."
Trusting her brother, and suspecting nothing, Tamar did as he requested. When she approached him with the bread, he abruptly grabbed her and said, "Come to bed with me, my sister!" Horrified, Tamar cried:
Don`t, my brother! Don`t force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don`t do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you!
But Amnon let his lust overwhelm him. He refused to listen to Tamar`s cries, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.
What happened next confirmed Amnon`s sickness and evil. It`s written that after raping her, he hated her more than he had loved her. The object of his lust became the object of his loathing.
This change may be hard for some of us to comprehend. But if you`ve encountered this sickness of the human soul, you know Amnon`s feelings were consistent with his sexual problems. With cruel coldness he said to Tamar, "Get up and get out!"
Totally humiliated, Tamar pled with him, saying, "No! Sending me away would be a greater wrong than you have already done to me." He had already done a terrible thing, but if he sent her away, she would be condemned to live the rest of her life as a soiled and devastated woman. No one would ever want to marry her.
Tamar also had the law on her side. Deut. 22:28-29 said that if a man raped a virgin, he had to marry her and pay her father damages. Furthermore, he could never divorce her.
Amnon was deaf to her cries. He called to his personal servant, saying, "Get this woman out of here and bolt the door after her!" The servant dragged Tamar out of Amnon`s house and bolted the door.
In her grief, Tamar tore her beautiful, richly ornamented robe, the very image of her happiness and innocence. She put ashes on her head, and went away from Amnon`s house, weeping loudly.
Tamar`s full brother Absalom heard what had happened and went to her. He tried to comfort her by saying:
Has that Amnon, your brother been with you? Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don`t take this thing to heart.
On the surface, it seemed that Absalom was trying to play down the seriousness of the rape. Yet Absalom was a shrewd man, and was already plotting his vengeance. He took his sister into his house, and she lived there, a desolate woman.
When King David heard about all this, he was furious, but apparently he did nothing about it.
The story ends by saying that Absalom said nothing to Ainnon about all this, either good or bad. Nonetheless, he quietly seethed at Amnon in his heart. Two years later, he would lure Amnon in a trap and violently kill him for his sin. The sword would afflict David`s house for the rest of his life.
Tamar`s sorrow has echoed throughout the centuries among women and girls who have had similar experiences. For many of them it`s a secret shame, something too humiliating and embarrassing to share with others. Many of them think that they are the only ones who have experienced such things, but they are not alone.
As we consider Tamar`s story, we find in it elements that are often present in cases of incest. First, there`s a perpetrator. Here it was Amnon. The perpetrator may be a father, a stepfather, a brother, a stepbrother, a half brother, an uncle, or another person who has a perverted sexual desire for a young female.
Second, there`s a victim. In this story, it was Tamar. The victim is a young innocent girl or woman, lured into sexual abuse.
Third, there are co-conspirators. In this story they were Jonadab, David, and others. These are people who aid the perpetrator either by actively helping him commit his crime, or by ignoring what he`s done.
Though such problems are as old as humanity itself, those who study such things say that incest and other forms of sexual abuse are increasing in modern society. Why is that so? In their book Christianity and Incest, Imbens and Jonker suggest several reasons. First, they point to rapidly-changing standards of sexual morality. They write:
Sex used to be taboo. Now, everyone is more or less expected to like sex, regardless of with whom, when, or how. The person with the most power resources is in control.
Second, they speak of the myth of the pedophile. Some people operate from the illusion that sexual abusers actually love their victims.
Third, is the prevalence of divorce. In many cases of incest, the perpetrator is a stepfather.
So Tamar has a growing number of modern sisters who are either being abused now, or living with the pain of past abuse.
II. Hope for Tamar and Her Modern Sisters
Is there hope for such girls and women? What can we do to help those among us who carry such pain?
There is hope, and to offer it, we need to address three groups: Perpetrators and coconspirators; those who have experienced incest and/or rape; and those who want to help.
First, if you`re a perpetrator, you need to see the seriousness of your sins and crimes, and you need to stop committing them. They are destroying you and the ones you are abusing. If you are a perpetrator, stop what you`re doing and get help. There are child-abuse hotlines you can call, and places you can turn for help.
If you`re a co-conspirator, you need to know that you aren`t helping perpetrators or their victims by your silence. It`s a horrible, sickening, and terrible thing to stand and name an abuser. Nevertheless, you are morally and legally obligated to do so. You can report the abuser to the authorities, and you can get help to deal with your own pain.
Second, if you are experiencing or have experienced sexual abuse and/or rape, you need to get help. The abuser`s power can seem absolute, and it can seem that no one will believe you, but you must change your situation. You haven`t caused the abuse, though your abuser says otherwise.
God doesn`t want you to stay in that kind of situation. Please contact the authorities if the abuse is taking place now, or seek counseling if it occurred long ago.
Third, if you want to help, you need to know that as many as one in three girls experience some kind of sexual abuse. When someone shares with you her experience of abuse, be open to hearing her questions and expressions of pain.
Such revelations can be shocking and disgusting. The person she identifies as an abuser may be someone respected in your family, or in the community, or even in the church. You can be tempted to say, "Stop saying things like this, and stop spreading lies about a great person." To be sure, sometimes people falsely accuse others of abuse. But if someone tells you a personal story of abuse, give her the benefit of a doubt and hear what she has to say. Help her find the help she needs, and don`t condemn her for her revelation.
You can help her know that she`s not to blame for what happened. Often, abusers will make their victims feel that they, the victims, are responsible for the abuse. Help them to see that the abuser is the person in power, not the weaker party.
Again, remember that if you know of sexual abuse of a child that`s going on right now, you are morally and legally obligated to report it.
There are Tamars in our churches even today. There are also many Tamars in our work places and in our schools and in our extended families.
Please, please don`t just look the other way and ignore their problems. Instead show God`s compassion for them by attitudes and actions. And let us pray that God will help and heal them..
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