Parenting After Divorce: He Says … She Says …

He Says…

• “We’re tied” says Doug.  “We have three kids who we are both very involved with.”  Consequently, with two daughters aged ten and sixteen and one seven year old son, Doug and Sherry have established separate households close enough to each other so the children can easily travel between them.
• Doug and Sherry had to learn how to be co-parents after they stopped being parents
• Doug shakes his head at the suggestion it was easy to dismantle the marriage.  “No,” he says with 
• conviction.  “It was difficult.”
• Today he and Sherry talk regularly about parenting issues to ensure consistency between their households.  “We keep agreed upon rules in our individual homes,” Doug says.  A key rule?  “We are careful never to complain about each other in front of the children.”

She Says…

• There is high-energy sensibility about the way Sherry talks.  But when discussing divorce she slows down for a moment and says, “There are stages.  We went through anger, pain, grief.  But we tried to deal with it ourselves.  It wasn’t easy, but we decided to focus on the kids.”
• Sherry is no divorce promoter.  “Divorce is very traumatic for everybody.  If you can work it out, do, “ she says back in high energy mode.
• Sherry, who has seen how supportive some pastors can be and how unsupportive others might be, advises, “No one should deny other people’s feelings.  No one likes divorce.  If it can be avoided great—if not, pastors should  help make it as positive as possible.”
• Sherry explains how she and Doug have worked out post-divorce parenting.  “We planned ahead and dealt with adult issues between us so that we were emotionally able to help the kids when we separated.”

Guidelines for Separating Parents

The following guidelines can assist divorcing parents in avoiding common problems.

• Children need to know you approve of contact with the other parent.
• Children should not be involved in parent’s disagreements.
• Children should be able to trust agreed upon time schedules.
• Children should not be interrogated by one parent about the other parent.
• Children do not want to hear negative comments about the other parent.
• Children, particularly young children, need a consistent and predictable schedule.
• Children need extended times with both parents.
• Children should be encouraged to communicate positive feelings about both parents.
• Children need to be provided with an explanation of the divorce (which may need to be re-explained when they grow older).
• Children need ongoing reassurance that they were not responsible for the divorce.
• Children need to be reassured of continued love from both parents.
• Children should not be in the unfair position of carrying messages between parents.
• Children should not be burdened with unnecessary details (i.e., finances).
• Children should be able to maintain contacts with their extended family.
• Children should be helped to defuse reconciliation fantasies by knowing the truth about the realities of the divorce.

Source: David Cannon, “Guidelines for Separating Parents,” Shared Parenting Group, January 3, 1997.

Implications

1.  Many children express fear of abandonment and losing the love of parents when they discover the world as they have known it is being shredded by divorce.  A child’s ability to cope will rest largely on how well the parents separate heated emotions from necessary decision making.  Language is critical.  Pastors need to talk about the divorce situation with parents in a language that respects the fact that while families may change through divorce, they don’t ever breakup.  Move the discussion from owner/custody to the issues of parenting.  Assuming both parents parent appropriately—and this is the case for the vast majority—make the assumption that both parents will be involved after they have separated as spouses.

2.  When a couple has made the decision to divorce, there is little you can do to stop it.  But there is a lot you can do to help them through the process.  A key move you can make is getting them the right help. Difficult and emotional issues are best dealt with by someone trained to handle them.  Ask about mediation services in your community.  Refer couples to mediators or family counselors who are experienced at developing parenting agreements that work for divorced families.

Recommended Resources

Books

Constance Ahrons, The Good Divorce. Published by HarperPerennial, 1995 (strong research base, practical and accessible material.)

Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, The Divorce Culture.  Published by Alfred A. Knopf, New York, 1997 (cultural critique, strong research.)

Shirley Thomas, Parents Are Forever:  a step-by-step guide to becoming successful co-parents after divorce, Springboard Publications, Longmont, Colorado, 1995 (non-academic practical reference aimed at parents.)

Updated Wednesday, February 21, 2001

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